Thoughts of You

out of the silence.

2011-07-26T10:50:00.000-05:00

It's been silent over here for a while...my apologies.

It's still pretty quiet on the home front, but I read this today at Kate Andre's blog and thought to share it.

“for He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.” Though I have been politely avoiding direct eye contact with Him, He has not failed to pursue me… For several nights now He has been speaking to me in dreams and in words brought back to my mind at times when I am least able to dodge them.

So awesome that he's still pursuing us in our sleep, even if we avoid him/ignore him/just don't make time for him.

Rest in knowing that today...

Test

2011-07-04T10:53:00.001-05:00

Routines & Obedience.

2011-02-13T11:10:00.000-05:00

The Lord has been speaking some stuff to me about routines and about my plans for everyday life. He's opening my eyes up to a much bigger subject, that much of the Church would struggle to accept. So, I pray as you read this, the Lord will open your eyes to what He's opened my eyes to...and if you already have it down, Praise Him! :)

Christians have circles that they hang out in. Churches, small groups, Bible studies, fellowship groups, dinner party groups, etc. With all of those groups, there's often a set time to meet. Churches usually meet on Sunday morning, small groups often are on Sunday nights, Bible studies are typically on a weekday, etc and so on.

So, our Christian circles get us in a routine. For me, it's been...go to church on Sunday morning, go to lunch with church friends, come home & relax. Then go to prayer night on Monday, The Hills on Tuesday, dinner party on Wednesday.

My routine is great. All of these things individually are good. BUT, the Lord is asking something more of us, of me. He says, what if the Holy Spirit says to minister to your neighbor on Sunday morning at 10, right when church is supposed to start? What if I want you alone on Monday night to minister to me? What if I tell you to go to Walmart during church hours?

Will you honor your routine above the voice of the Lord?

Many times in my life, the answer to this question is yes. Plain & simple. I'll say...God, that's a little ridiculous. Groceries @ Walmart can wait until after church. Hello, I'm trying to worship you there!

And maybe He's saying...No, Casey. It's not the groceries you're going for. You're going for a someone specific that does not know my nature. You're going to bring My Presence into a girl's circumstances and she'll end up being healed. Or you're going to speak life and destiny over a young boy that's about to do something he'll regret. Or maybe even--you're going to minister to someone who has sat on countless church pews but never really known me. Or you're going to go pay for a single mom's groceries...and in doing so, she'll learn that I haven't forgotten her, that I'll never give up on her.

It's.all.about.obedience.

Obedience when it doesn't make sense.
Obedience when it's inconvenient.
Obedience when it costs something.
Obedience when it costs nothing.
Obedience when you're not feeling it.

Obedience on HIS terms...not your own.

Obedience on your own terms is still disobedience. It's like saying I'll have a marriage how I want it & when I want it. I'll be with my husband when I feel like it...but when I get a wild hair, I'll go and do as I please.

So, get out of your comfort zone & listen to the voice of the Lord. Even when you're trying to go do a good church thing.

Because sometimes, He wants you to do a KINGDOM thing.

I dare you to trust Him & take him at His word. See what happens.

orphans & children.

2011-01-24T17:30:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness. I can’t shake some stuff that’s going on right now in my head. Not that I want to shake it…instead, I’ll just share it!

Think back to when you were a kid. If you went over to a friend’s house and you were hungry, what did you do? In my case, I typically sucked it up because I was shy. I didn't feel at home enough to ask or to get it myself (because it wasn't my house). On the other hand, what did you do when you were at your own house? Most likely, you went to the kitchen, opened the pantry or refrigerator and got whatever you wanted. That’s what I did, at least.

The difference between the two—in the second scenario, you’re a son or a daughter.

That makes all the difference in the world when it comes to a lot of things, including what you eat, expectations you may have and even what you ask for. I can’t shake this because of the fact that it’s the same way with God!!

Most of us (myself included) have lived the majority of our lives desiring things but not asking God for them. The reasons for doing this vary from fear of not receiving what you ask for to just not believing that He loves to give his children good gifts. ALL of it boils down to the fact that we aren’t living as sons and daughters.

We’re living as orphans.

Yes, I said it. If you’re not asking God for the big dreams He’s placed inside of you to become reality, you’re living as an orphan. He’s invited you to feast at the wedding banquet, but you’re hovering by the edge of the table just staring at the food, wishing you could fill your hungry belly. You received the invitation to eat, but you don’t really believe you really can.

This is where the Father’s heart comes in to rectify our situation. He gives us the Spirit of Adoption so we don’t have to live as orphans or as slaves any longer.

Check out Romans 8:14-16:

¹⁴ For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. ¹⁵ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” ¹⁶ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.

So, no matter what it is that’s holding you back from asking for the thing God has placed deep within you,

HE testifies that YOU are His child.

So, lay it down.

The fear of disappointment.

The fear of not receiving what He’s promised you.

The fear of failure.

The fear of rejection.

Don’t let fear and unbelief become an open door for the enemy to steal your inheritance from you.

You have an appointment with your destiny. Your DADDY says so.

Take hold of the dreams he’s planted in you. Don’t ever give up on the God-given dreams you have, because in doing so, you give up on Him.

⁸ But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. ⁹ The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. -2 Peter 3:8-9

Traffic Controllers & Usher.

2011-01-08T17:47:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been over a year since I've been here. I decided that rather than ruffling any feathers, I'd just be quiet for a while. And quiet I was.

But honestly, that's not me. I'm not quiet. I have words within me that must be let out. So, here goes the process of letting it all hang out. (well, not really...but you know what I mean!)

Since this new year began, I've been feeling something. I knew it was something big, but I couldn't explain it. Do you guys ever have that kind of experience? It was like a breath of fresh air to actually feel something, though. I've walked through valley after valley of numbness in the past couple of years and I longed just to feel. But that's a story for another day.

So, back to this year. I began to ask God what it was, why I was feeling this weighty something. I was especially feeling it at a church plant I'm a part of in Nashville, The Hills Fellowship. God is up to something and I'm a part of it, although I really had no clue what I was to do in the big scheme of things.

While worshipping last Tuesday night at THF, I noticed that my arm was moving back and forth, sort of like a traffic controller telling people where to go. It was then that I got the answer from the Lord as to what I was doing and feeling.

As I was moving my arm back and forth (not really on purpose...it was just like I needed to because it was my job), I asked God what in the world I was doing. I'm sure it looked rather ridiculous, so I wanted to know the reason behind it. I tend to be the person that asks why because I love to know that what I'm doing has a purpose.

God spoke the word "usher" to me. That is my purpose. To usher in His Presence wherever I go. I felt a sigh of relief come over me because I finally knew what this weight I'd been carrying was. It's not a weight of burden, but it's a weight because of the importance it carries. I live in a world that is full of pain. A world that is full of people just waiting to experience something bigger. A world full of people who would LOVE to experience the Presence of God and all of the fullness that accompanies it.

I am so honored that God loves us enough to carry His Presence wherever we go. It's incredible that You and I, if Jesus is within us & we acknowledge Him, have the ability to walk into a room and change the atmosphere. Not because of who we are, but because of who HE is.

And you know, the Kingdom is at hand. The world is waiting on you and me to usher in His Presence. Are you ready?!

Leaving my heart at Simba Lodge.

2009-08-19T23:06:00.003-05:00

While packing up for my last semester of college, I found my Kenya journal from the summer after my freshman year. (July-Aug 2007)

One entry/prayer really stood out to me. I wrote it on August 5th at Simba Lodge only a few minutes before we headed to the airport, which seriously broke my heart.

"It's over. I can't believe it. Africa has become such a huge part of my life and I leave my heart every time I leave. There's just something about being here that makes me feel content. There's a lot of suffering, but it's outweighed by the joy in each person's eyes. Love beams from almost every Kenyan as they welcome us into their lives. I've trusted you with every ounce of my being during this time. I think I enjoy Africa so much because of my utter dependance on you. I had no clue how I would get through some days-but with you by my side-it was always possible. I think it's pretty funny that the song 'Can I Stay Here Forever?' just came on my iPod. That's where I am right now. I want to finish school and possibly become a PR pro or PA, but I'm not sure that you've called me to do it all in America. Who knows. I'm at a place hwere I don't know what's next and I'm completely humbled by that. I know that your ways are MUCH higher than my own and I'm so happy for that. I'm in your hands & I know that you will provide for my every need. Thank you for that reassurance."

I cannot believe it's been two years since I've been on African soil. I'm itching for it.

And I'm going. soon.

Ugandan Katie.

2009-08-16T23:30:00.002-05:00

I am amazed by God when I read this girl's stories.

See for yourself.

It is my 16th Birthday and I am eating sushi at my favorite restaurant with my parents when I tell them that I would like to explore the possibility of taking a year in between high school and college to do mission work. This is unheard of in my family and they say they are not sure and will think about it. I am nervous, but somehow I know it is right. He changes their hearts. I have just turned 18 and find an orphanage online. I beg my parents to let me visit over break, just three weeks. A month later I am on a plane. I am so excited. I am so scared of being, but I know He is going with me. I fall in love. I graduate high school having made the commitment to teach Kindergarten for a year at a school in The Middle of Nowhere, Uganda. In August I get on the plane. I’m apprehensive and I cry most of the way because I miss my Mommy and my boyfriend. I am eager, but so uncertain. I trust Him. I teach 138 children how to speak English and to love Jesus. It is October and I am just not sure I can do it anymore. I live in the smallest room I have ever seen in the back of a pastor’s house. I am more uncomfortable than I had bargained for. No one understands, not people here, not people at home. I am tired. But I am prideful and I am not going to quit. I don’t like this. But I know He has a plan. I learn, I grow, He is there. It is December and God has spoken very clearly about opening a ministry that sponsors 40 of the orphaned children in the village where I am working. This involves moving into a different house, ALONE. It is big and I cannot imagine how God will fill it up. I am lonely and I am anxious. But I am still trusting. He fills the house, and we now have 400 children sponsored. It is January and I am looking at a little girl, crushed under a brick wall with no one to care for her or her younger siblings. I offer to take the three home with me until we find them a better placement. I am not really sure what to do with them, but I know they are God’s children. They stay. It is three days later and the littlest looks at me and calls me mommy. My heart might break in two. Something clicks. I am even more scared than I was the day I stepped on that plane, but I KNOW. Today I have 13. I have to deliver a baby, give a boy stitches, pull a tooth, give and injection. I am petrified. But no one will do it if I do not. He is present, He holds my hand, they are all fine. It is August and I must get on a plane back to America to go to college, as I have promised my father. I do not remember how to be a teenager or what it is to be normal Brentwood, Tennessee. I will have to leave my babies. I will have to make new friends. I am sad and I am terrified. He wraps His arms around me. He puts just the right people in just the right places, and they help me and they make me feel at home. First semester is over and He speaks clearly to me that I cannot serve two masters. “Go HOME,” He says, “and stay.” I am uncertain, but I want to be obedient. He squeezes tighter. I am thankful. I have to look at my loving parents who have given me everything and tell them that I will not go to college right now, because I feel God wants me to be in Uganda. I know how disappointed and how angry they will be. I am more scared than I was when I got on the plane and more scared than I was when I took my first children. But I know that this IS the Plan. They love me anyway. It is February and my daughter’s biological father comes to take her away. My heart breaks in half, and I am not sure I will ever be able to get out of my bed again, let alone foster another child. I am more than devastated, but I want what is best for her, what He wants for her. She comes back and her biological father learns about Jesus. It is March and a lame little girl is brought to my gate. She is undoubtedly mine, but I am still anxious. What if I can’t do it? I don’t know what to do with a special needs child, especially as my 13th child. I am criticized and ridiculed. I wonder. I trust and praise God for her sweet little life. She starts to walk. I find myself in a village full of starving people that for some reason seem to want to kill me. God says to serve them anyway. I am not sure how it is going to work, or if it is safe. I can’t figure it out, but I know He can. 1,200 Karamajongs, the poorest of Uganda’s poor, are now served hot meals daily. We keep taking in more children until there are 400 in our program. There is no way we will raise enough funds, but by now I have stopped worrying. He has always provided. Blessings rain from the sky, and all 400 children go to school. I am 20 years old and have 13 children and 400 more who all depend on me for their care. Who are all learning to love Jesus and be responsible adults and looking up to me. The reality of it all can be a bit overwhelming at times. However, it is always pure joy. There is a common misconception that I am courageous. I will be the first to tell you that this is not actually true. Most of the time, I am not brave. I just believe in a God who will use me even though I am not. Most mornings, before I even get out of bed I am overwhelmed with His goodness, with His plan for my life; I stand in awe of the fact that He could entrust me with so much. Most days, I don’t have much of a plan. I don’t always know where this is going. I can’t see the end of the road, but here is the great part: Courage is not about knowing the path. It is about taking the first step. It is about Peter, getting out of the boat. I do not know my five year plan; even tomorrow will probably not go as I have planned. I am thrilled and I am terrified, in a good way. So some call it courage, some call it foolish, I call it Faith. I choose to get out of the boat. To take the next step. Sometimes I walk straight into His arms. More often, I get scared and look down and stumble. Sometimes I almost completely drown. And through it all, He never lets go of my hand.

This quote sums up my entire existence.

"I just believe in a God who will use me even though I am not." -Katie Davis

2009-07-31T13:11:00.001-05:00

Hi Sarah!

This is just for you.

Love. :)

welcome to my day.

2009-07-09T17:05:00.004-05:00

You know those days that just suck?

No matter what you do, nothing seems to go your way?

Welcome to my day.

But, you know what lyrics have been stuck in my head all day?

"And when the oceans rage,

I don't have to be afraid.

Because I know that you love me

And your love never fails."

The oceans are RAGING today.

And Satan is making me really angry,

but it's all going to be okay.

Because I'm loved

And He never fails.

relentless pursuit.

2009-07-07T16:48:00.003-05:00

I’ve been listening to this song called “You Won’t Relent” by Jesus Culture on repeat since Sunday. As soon as I got home from a friend’s house (after hearing the song for the first time), I logged onto iTunes and purchased it. I don’t do that often, but a friend told me about this cd a while ago and I never bought it, but I knew there was something about it. It led me to Jesus’ feet after hearing it once.

I’ve been thinking about the song when I’m not listening to it. The lyrics captivate me.

“You won't relent

Until You have it all

My heart is Yours

I'll set You as a seal upon my heart

As a seal upon my arm

For there is love that is as strong as death

Jealousy demanding as the grave

And many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me

Come be the flame upon my heart

Come be the fire inside of me

Until You and I are one”

-Misty Edwards

And God is pursuing me through this song. I’ve been a fan of Jesus for a long time. I said the sinner’s prayer when I was five, but only because I didn’t want to go to hell. Since then, I’ve begun to grasp a tiny piece this whole thing called following Jesus.

I’ve always been willing to stand up for Jesus when it was easy. I’ve been willing to read my Bible when it was necessary (ie-at church, Sunday school).

I, however, haven’t been willing to give up every ounce of my being in order to be a worshipper.

And that’s what He’s after.

And now that I’m learning how to do that (although it’s definitely not mastered), I see how God has been relentless in his pursuit of me. There have been so many times that I didn’t deserve his constant pursuit, but he still pursued me. At times, I’ve been so frustrated with God because I don’t understand why he does things he does, but he’s pursued me through that anger.

The amazing thing is—he will never stop pursuing me. He will never stop pursuing you.

Relentless Pursuit of an unworthy child.

That’s what Jesus is all about.

pray for kate mcrae.

2009-07-03T16:20:00.000-05:00

balance beam.

2009-06-22T10:03:00.000-05:00

orphaned & adopted.

2009-06-21T15:47:00.006-05:00

Our world is filled with orphans. A few whose names you may recognize include Nelson Mandela, Andrew Jackson, Leo Tolstoy, Louis Armstrong, Johann Sebastian Bach, Marilyn Monroe, Babe Ruth, and Casey Milleson. I, myself am an orphan according to UNICEF'S definition.

UNICEF labels a child who has lost one or both parents as an orphan. On a day such as today, my heart is burdened for the orphans around the world.

But, I am so grateful for Jesus' words, "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you" (Jn 14:17).

He made adoption the apex of the Gospel. His spiritual enemies are now his sons and daughters through the Cross. Wow! That is so amazing to me. I didn't have a dad, but I was chosen to be a daughter of God...I think I got a really good deal!

Although God is the Father to the fatherless and where the fatherless find compassion, in Christ, we can all be adopted.

God does the adopting spiritually, but believers have a role to play as well.

In my opinion, all believers have a part in caring for the fatherless. The Bible mentions 'fatherless' 39 times. In Psalm 10:18, we are commanded to "do justice to the fatherless". Isaiah tells us to "Defend the cause of the fatherless". James tells us, in one of my favorite verses, "religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to care for the orphans and widows in their distress".

So, on Father's Day, I'm asking you to think about how you can serve the orphans and widows. I think we could all start by praying for them and asking God what part we will play in His story of loving orphans and widows.

Orphaned & adopted.

serving his children.

2009-06-21T15:45:00.001-05:00

God cares about the details & the dollies.

2009-06-14T16:53:00.000-05:00

This story was written by a doctor who worked in South Africa. One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died, leaving us with a tiny, premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator).We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies, and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates). And ‘it is our last hot water bottle!' she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways. 'All right,' I said, 'put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts Your job is to keep the baby warm.' The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died. During prayer time, one ten-year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. 'Please, God' she prayed, 'Send us a hot water bottle today. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon. While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, 'And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know You really love her?'As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say 'Amen?' I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything; the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever, received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator! Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there on the verandah was a large 22-pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly-colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a batch of buns for the weekend. Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out. Yes, a brand new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, 'If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!' Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully-dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted! Looking up at me, she asked, 'Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her? 'Of course,' I replied! That parcel had been on the way for five whole months, packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child – five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it 'that afternoon.'

“Before they call, I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear.”

Isaiah 65:24

headache & panera. they go hand in hand.

2009-06-11T17:52:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite places to be is Panera. I'm sure I've posted this before, but it's just lovely. Most college kids love hanging out at coffee shops, but I, for one, am perfectly content being at Panera.

When I was home, I had Panera withdrawals. Seriously. I had major cravings for the cinnamon crunch bagel. (Not friendly if you're a dieter...but I'm not, so hoorah! Everything in moderation, right?) When I went to the beach for three days, I ate there at least three times. And my mom paid, so it was free Panera!! That's like a dream come true.

So, now that I'm back in Nash for summer school, I can go to Panera and do homework. I tend to get quite a bit done there, which is amazing for my studies! :) I usually don't eat there because I'm trying to keep it budget friendly, so I typically just get something to drink.

Today, I went to work on a few things. I started & finished a paper, did my Spanish homework, checked emails, found a few cute things online, and worked on a marketing paper (that isn't due until next week!!!)

I saw a fellow blogger and although I don't know him...I recognized him. hahaha that's so creepy.

And I drank my weight in sweet tea. You see, that's the only up and downside of Panera, all at once. I LURRRVE their sweet tea because it's basically straight sugar and that's what a girl from North Carolina likes. The downside comes in the fact that it's caffeinated. And I don't drink much caffeine, so when I go to Panera for an extended period of time and drink extreme amounts of tea, I get a massive headache.

So, Panera, you should seriously consider getting decaf sweet tea. Then I will be able to stay for longer!!

Even if you don't, I'll still love you. And just have a headache every time I leave.

No biggie!

hiding place.

2009-05-26T20:18:00.000-05:00

My closet holds a dear place in my heart. It’s cozy and when I was scared or upset when I was younger, I would retreat to my closet floor. I would bring my pillows, dog and I felt safe to let my feelings out. Now that I’m home, I have boxes and boxes of stuff that need to be unpacked so I don’t accumulate so much stuff at school. Tonight was the night to start clearing out even more stuff from my closet so I’ll have room for everything else. I don’t have much stuff, but stuff definitely accumulates, especially mail. I am SO not a fan. I’ve been going through mail and I just recounted years of coming into my closet as a hiding place. I decided to grab my computer when I finished going through my mail and just write from my hiding place. It feels so good. Especially since I haven’t sat in this closet for years and since I haven’t written since school ended.

sheila.

2009-05-18T11:40:00.001-05:00

Sheila's Story from Cross Point Church on Vimeo.

ears pressed to His heart.

2009-05-11T11:37:00.001-05:00

I just read this on Kate's blog. So beautiful and so true.

"Justice and Mercy both are of God…each has a time and place. The thing I love and hate about being a Christ-follower is that there are no hard and fast rules. Its not ‘in situation A, God requires Mercy and in situation B, God requires Justice’… instead it is a necessity to be in close communion with our God- ears pressed to His heart, following His will in each moment." -Kate McDonald

Read the rest of the post here!

Jesus...is that you?!!

2009-05-05T19:20:00.001-05:00

Well, friends, it’s been a rough weekend. But God has such thoughtful ways of encouraging me.

Honestly, I didn’t really want to go Safe Haven to work yesterday. I was tired because of a weekend that was physically, spiritually and emotionally draining. (My roommate even said I talked in my sleep on Sunday night…which I only do when I’m absolutely exhausted!) I thought about calling in and saying I wasn’t coming.

I had class from 8-1 and then I ran into my apartment, wishing I could just sleep, grabbed something for lunch, and ran back out the door to Safe Haven.

As I was walking into the shelter, I looked up and saw this older man walking on a hill behind the fence to my left. He had a head covering on, much like a turban, and had caramel colored skin. He was very wrinkled and seemed like he’d been through a lot of life.

I looked up at him and smiled, but didn’t really think much of it until he spoke to me. He said hello and continued to say that I was doing a good thing. He encouraged me to continue helping out those who needed it.

I’ve walked through those doors between 30 and 50 times this semester and I’ve never seen this man. I walked back outside less than 5 minutes later to put boxes in my car and he was gone. It was like he vanished into thin air.

I don't know how to explain it. But I liked it. I expected him to ask for money or food, like people always do, but he didn’t. He gave me something.

I’m thankful for his encouragement, no matter who he was.

I’m positive that God strategically crossed our paths and sent him to encourage me.

And for his thoughtfulness, I’m so grateful.

this is THE love.

2009-04-30T00:46:00.002-05:00

This is the perfect love that casts out my fear:

It's a deep love based on knowledge of everything about me. I'll never come out with a revelation that surprises Him. God's love is as strong as death — and stronger. It suffers, dies and rises, in order to bring me to a place where I may feel it's impossible for me to be: a place where He is delighted with me! His love reproves, confident that I'm made out of stuff that will not only stand the refiner's fire, but come out more beautiful still. Where other loves can only hope for the best, His love transforms. It believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things; His love never fails. Every day, His pursuit of my heart is unerring, untiring and unstoppable.

That is a love worth hearing, a love worth seeking, a love I love to tell.

ps. I copied this from someone else...her name is Elisabeth Adams.

growing up and freaking out!

2009-04-24T13:08:00.003-05:00

When I was a little girl, I always thought I would get married when I was 22. It sounded like I would be so old and really need to be married so I could have a baby before I was 25...because (GASP!) who in their right mind would have a baby when they were 26 or 27. In my 5 year old mind, that was ancient!

Now that 22 is quickly approaching, I've decided that

Growing up freaks me out.

At this rate, I will graduate in December 2009. (At least I'll still be 21!! haha)

Did you catch that??

That's THIS year!!! AHHHH!

Then, I have to be a grown up for real...as in paying lots of bills.

Working 40 hours/week to pay said bills.

(Which is exhausting!!!! I've worked 2 full days/week at Safe Haven this semester & it's kicked my bootay!)

Not to mention the whole growing up, getting married, and having children stuff.

Don't get me wrong-I'm so pumped to do these things, but it seems like it shouldn't be so quickly approaching.

I realized that I am getting into the grown-up category when one of my best friends from elementary school added me on facebook yesterday.

Jessica Stevens. She and I always played together after school and I thought it was SO cool that her mom was only like 18 years older than us! (because my mom was 30 years older than us!! haha)

Anyways-she is married now and has two (count them..1...2) children!!

I realize that's about to be the norm for my friends in the next few years.

Jobs. Husbands/Wives. Children.

Oh you know, just another day in the life.

Shoowee. I can't imagine.

But for now, I'll enjoy college as much as I can!!

foot in door.

2009-04-13T21:58:00.003-05:00

I overheard two of my friends talking earlier.

One is a Christian. One is not.

The one who's not a Christian said, "I just don't understand what I've been doing with my life lately. I see something that's right & my heart wants to do the opposite. Instead of having one good relationship, I've ruined two because of decisions like that."

"And Joe*, who shouldn't even be my friend, much less give me the time of day, still sticks around. We've talked about what I've done, but he still wants to give me a chance. I sort of wish he would just be mad at me because that's what I deserve and then I would realize that I can't keep on doing what I'm doing."

And the Christian friend changed the subject. She was holding a picture of Jesus and turned the page.

Honestly, I probably would've done the exact same thing--but lately, I've tried to be intentional about sticking my foot in open doors.

I mean, Joe has been just like Jesus in those few sentences. He shouldn't even want to look at us, but he does. He died on a cross for us!! Not only does he look at us, ugly and messed up, but he accepts us, just as we are. And gives us a way to be with God.

I cannot recount the number of doors God has opened for me, just wanting me to stick my foot in, but I've refused. I've dishonored the Cross of Christ. Forgive me, God.

Help me to be a light. Help me to listen to you & to speak up when you give me the opportunity.

One Day Without Shoes. a letter.

2009-04-09T13:01:00.001-05:00

Hi Friend!

I’m writing on behalf of TOMS Shoes, a company dedicated to giving back. For every pair of TOMS Shoes that is purchased, TOMS gives one pair to a child in need. We’re currently raising awareness for an event, “One Day Without Shoes” on April 16^th that you could be involved in.

Would you consider encouraging fellow students at your school to speak out on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves? Would you go for one day, or even part of a day, without shoes at school in order to raise awareness about people, just like you and me, who cannot afford shoes?

This would be an amazing opportunity for you to do something easy to show they care about others. It could gain positive publicity for your school and it is likely to drive people to buy a pair of TOMS, which in turn buys a pair for a child in need. It’s a win-win situation for everyone involved.

Most children in developing countries grow up barefoot. Whether at play, doing chores or just getting around, these children are at risk.

Walking is often the primary mode of transportation in these developing countries. Children walk for miles—sometimes daily—to access food, water, shelter and medical help.

Wearing shoes prevents feet from getting cuts and sores on unsafe roads and from contaminated soil. Not only are these injuries painful, they also are dangerous when wounds become infected. The leading cause of disease in developing countries is soil-transmitted parasites, which penetrate the skin through open sores. Wearing shoes can prevent this and the risk of amputation.

Many times children cannot attend school barefoot because shoes are a required part of their uniform. If they do not have shoes, they cannot go to school. If they do not receive an education, they will not have the opportunity to realize their potential.

There is one simple solution...SHOES. Together, let’s take a step towards a better tomorrow.

Will you join us as we speak up to raise awareness for these children?

Carpe Diem,

Casey Milleson

615.715.9675

http://www.tomsshoes.com/?aid=1501&LinkID=1501

PS-Let me know if you're participating! I would LOVE for you to send pictures to me!! :)

they will know we are Christians by our...?

2009-04-04T02:26:00.002-05:00

Tonight began with worship, which is always good. Four hours of worship and I was in a sweet, sweet spot with my Savior.

Then, I went to Café Coco to celebrate a friend’s birthday. I wasn’t really feeling the whole late night scene, but I decided to go for her—just go for a little while so I could see her since I haven’t seen her since December.

Half of the people at our table were drinking. No one was drunk. Although, if you heard the story of the table of 5 Belmont kids sitting by us, you would think that we were killing people on our table or something.

They jeered, whispered, laughed, JUDGED over and over and over again. I was at the end of our table facing theirs, so I saw every single nasty look, and could read every word from their mouths…Not to mention that I could hear half of it. Especially the part where they said, “I think they know we’re talking about them” after I stared them down for a good three or four minutes. [Not that that stopped them, you understand].

Susan and I got up to leave at the same time and the others stayed. As we were walking out, one of the guys muttered under his breath “They better not be driving,” And we didn’t even have a drink.

You know the song…They will know we are Christians by our hate, by our hate.

[Insert Madea’s ERRRR WRONG ANSWER!]

Pointing out someone else’s flaw when you have a plank in your own eye—yeah Christ wasn’t a fan of that.

So, I don’t understand how Christ-ians, (you know…followers of Christ) can be a fan of it.

Mindboggling.

The world is in dire need of a Savior, and the world does not, in fact, need more judgmental Christians. It needs Christians who are authentic, who correct sin as gently and gracefully as possible. It needs Christians who are willing to confess how much their own lives are messed up…because it’s not all rainbows and butterflies after you decide to wholeheartedly follow after Jesus. It needs Christians who live the life, not just talk the talk. It needs Christians who love something other than themselves.

I’ve been on both sides of these tables. And what I experienced tonight from those who bear the name of Christ would definitely, without a doubt make me want nothing to do with Jesus if I didn’t already know him for who HE is, not who many Christians make him out to be.

Take this Cup.

2009-03-27T14:49:00.003-05:00

God has called and I am listening. Next semester I won't be at Belmont, which is one of the most ridiculous things God has asked of me. I told him no for about a month, but he confirmed my fears over & over & over again, which was really nice of him. :)

I haven't told many people because I sort of want it to happen naturally, with as little resistance/applause/trouble as possible.

I'm scared out of my mind. I don't really want to do it and I really relate to Jesus when he was about to die on the cross, although the two situations are two different calibers...

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." -Matthew 26:39

He fell on his face and begged God to take the cup from him.

I've begged and pleaded with God to call me some other time.

Call me after I graduate. Just don't make me leave here at a time such as this.

You're starting to move mountains here, God. Don't make me leave.

I want to watch you move mountains.

But he's been so gentle and ever so gracious as he's told me that I need to go. I need to go to Africa. I need to go watch him move mountains there. I need to speak life. I need to bring love and bring hope of things to come. I need to bring Jesus. I need to harvest what's already been planted there. [The harvest is plenty but the workers are few]

This song, written by Spencer Sweeting describes my feelings to a tee.

Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me.

I'm not ready to do these things you ask of me.

Why should I be the one who has to has to sing this phrase*

See how they love-they don't care about your grace.

I don't want to feed their hunger.

I don't want to feel their pain.

I don't want them on my shoulders.

Don't want to take their sin away.

But I will.

Yes, I will.

I will satisfy their hunger.

I will give them no more pain.

I will bear them on my shoulders

I will rip their sins away.

I will give them life abundantly

I will be amazing grace

I will bring them true salvation

I will win this war today

Yes, I will.

The song is written about Jesus. I am not Jesus, but I can relate to these feelings he had on the day of his crucifixion.

I don't want to feed their hunger, feel their pain, but I will.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Africa, but I love Africa most when I don't have to sacrifice much in order to be there. I'd much rather spend a month or a few months during the summer, so it doesn't interfere with my own plans of graduating in May 2010 and living a comfortable life.

But I will.

I have to continue reminding myself of the example Jesus set for me. He did, so I will.

I ask that you pray huge prayers over me and over my life. Prayer is powerful & God wants to do something big, but I just pray that anything I do is his will. I pray that he provides a way and makes things run smoothly in order for me to get there.

ominous texting.

2009-03-25T16:21:00.002-05:00

(fyi-if you know me very well, I'm a much better writer than face-to-face communicator. I tend to be very emotional when God is working...therefore, the whole face-to-face or even oh the phone communication usually ends with crazy amounts of tears & lots of snot bubbles..hahaha)

A conversation with my mom--she had no prior knowledge about what I was about to tell her!!

Me-Well I just wrote an email that I want to send out...but you need to know first so go check your email!! :)

Mom-That sounds rather ominous. Not sure I am strong enough for it. Where this time? Sudan? Ethiopia? Svengali? Or is it a boy? A dog? Changing majors? Schools?

Me-You're on the spot! Africa. Before I graduate. Maybe take a semester off. I don't really know but I know something different than my plan of going to Belmont for my last two semesters & graduating in May 2010.

Mom- Ok. going to email now.

HAHAHA. She knows me so well.

budget friendly diva bag.

2009-03-24T21:18:00.005-05:00

I think every girl is part DIVA...and I'm most definitely no exception. My purse is falling apart, so I went to buy one today.

Actually, I bought a purse a week or two ago to replace my ghetto one, but I found a different one that I liked MUCH better. I didn't need them both, so I decided to take it back...if they would have it.

And they did. SO-I went purse shopping today. I think I liked every single one that was over $150. Yeah...that inner diva coming out. The more expensive ones are just much cuter-with nicer materials, etc. I especially liked this one...it was black patent & had a black & fuschia flower on the front.

I looked at the tag and this is what I saw:

I'm not sure if you can see that...since I couldn't keep my hand still, but it says it is $479.99 AT TJMAXX!!!! Originally $860, which means I was holding a bag that would cost $941.70 originally (including tax in TN).

I think I almost died. Quite literally.

I can't imagine spending almost $1000 on a PURSE...one that I would only want to use for a few months. Although, if I did buy one that

expensive, I would have to use it for the next 25 years to justify spending such money on it!!

ANYWAYS...I ended up buying a super cute bag for wayy less than that!! (Way less may be an understatement!)

Now I introduce to you my budget friendly diva bag. :)

Please forgive her...she's not so photogenic.

Hope you enjoyed that ridiculousness....

Have a lovely day/night!!

Love.

love/hate relationship.

2009-03-20T15:02:00.002-05:00

Dear Jillian Michaels-

I love you and I hate you at the same time.

You see, I just started your 30-Day Shred on Wednesday.

Today is Friday and my legs feel like I lifted 28903 pounds of weights.

That's a good thing--to a certain point. It makes me feel like I accomplished something.

But, I decided to start out at every other day because of such painful muscles.

So, I'm hanging out with the 60-day Shred. Yeah, I said it.

You wouldn't be very excited about this I don't think,

but lady-at least I'm doing it.

Cheers to jeans that won't be quite as snug.

Hallelujah.

Love & Hate,

Casey

appalled.

2009-03-19T21:00:00.005-05:00

I just paid $30.07 for dog food and I'm not okay with that. It's for the dog I'm housesitting & will probably last about two weeks.

THIRTY DOLLARS.

=SIXTY DOLLARS/MONTH (at least).

It's some fancy food they feed their dog...like all natural, growth balance, blah, blah.

And it makes me want to cry.

Why?, you ask.

Because their dog is eating much better than millions of children in our world.

I pay $32/month to feed, clothe, school, and give Jesus to a little boy in Kenya.

Yet, in America, we care more about our pets than we do HUMAN LIVES.

We'll donate one dollar to save a homeless pet (Like it asked me to do at the register...which I did not do as a matter of fact), but we won't give a dime to save a starving child.

Did you know that $1 gives clean water to a Ugandan for an entire year?!

$1 saves a pet.

but $1 saves a human life, a life that is more precious than rubies, a life that was created for a purpose, a life that was destined to be great.

Just something to think about....

ps. I'm not hating on dogs.

But COME ON.

whatta day, whatta day.

2009-03-17T19:34:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted in forever, but I figured I should tell you about my day.

#1-I left my phone charger at home so my cell phone is dead.

#2-My gas light came on today.

#3-Aunt Flo came to see me.

#4-I tripped when I was going out to my car at Safe Haven.

#5-A group of Middle School Volunteers came to volunteer at SH today......

#6-The dog I'm sitting this week ripped my sweater that I was wearing today with his

ridiculously knife-like nails.

#7-I was cussed out on the phone at Safe Haven. Awesome.

#8-My ankle is STILL swollen from a terrible sprain...3 weeks ago.

BUT--This all pails in comparison to how much I was blessed today.

I'm was blessed to

#1-wake up this morning

#2-wake up in a mansion...just saying.

#3-play with little kids at Safe Haven like Cailah & James.

#4-have money to get gas.

#5-Panera--instead of my usual Lean Cuisine. haha...I splurged!

#6-talk to my favorite Ashlee on her 3rd Birthday!!! :):):)

#7-have NOTHING to do on a weekday after work.

#8-Just went to get the mail & the mailman leaves the dog a treat every day. That's just cute!

#9-God's mercies were new this morning!! That outweighs all of them!

"Those who are led by the spirit are sons of God." -Romans 8:14.

Wow. That's AWESOME!!!

larger than life.

2009-03-07T20:51:00.003-05:00

It may just be me, but when I look back on things from my childhood, I always think they're smaller than I remember.

My elementary school hallways were HUGE. I mean...absolutely gigantic.

I went back a few years ago & let me tell you, I can almost touch both sides!

Another thing...girl scout cookies. My mom is a teacher, so she is asked to buy these lovely little wonders by several students. There are like 5 boxes in our pantry...which is terrible, but good at the same time. :)

I just ate a caramel delight, also known as a samoa in other parts of the country--and they're WAY smaller than I remember too!

One thing that I still think is gigantic is that first generation Motorola cell phone my mom had back in the day...now that thing is HUUUGE! It covers up my face...literally! (This is the best picture I could find...)

Anyways-thanks for letting me stroll down memory lane. :)

Hope you have a wonderful night!

wrestling.

2009-03-01T21:19:00.004-05:00

To say that I've been wrestling with God lately is an understatement.

You see, he spoke and I listened.

But I didn't like what he said.

So, I told myself that it probably wasn't God speaking to me.

It was probably just my own desires & somehow I'd convinced myself that it was God.

HAHA wrong answer. The thing is-I don't generally convince myself that something is what I should do if I don't want to do it. Therefore, I think it's safe to say that it's God based on that plus a lot of other things.

This one situation is pointing out my flaws.

One of them is that I have quite a bit of pride that needs to die.

The other is that I don't want to give up my comfortable life.

God is seriously calling me to give up my selfish, comfortable life.

He's challenging me by the faith of other people-pulling on heartstrings that have always ached for the less fortunate-to have that kind of faith.

...The kind of faith that doesn't buy into the American dream,

even when everything within me wants to.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I desire to get married, have a picturesque little house with a picket fence, have children, adopt children, maybe even sponsor children, but stay in America. I want to choose when I stare poverty in the face. I don't want to look at it all the time, nor do I want to sacrifice anything when giving to help eliminate it.

I LOVE living in Nashville. I love the feel of the town, the people here, my college life, my church(es!!), etc. I get to hang out with homeless people, whom I love,

But at the end of the day, I come back to my comfortable apartment, in my new car and work on my apple computer, watch my (tiny nonetheless) flat screen television, go out to dinner, and on and on and on.

My life is oh, so comfortable. It's just like my bed. I've got loads of pillows and cushions surrounding me and I don't want to get out of it.

But God-my ever so gracious God-has been telling me, whispering to me, to give it all up.

He's nudging me to do what he's called me to do.

And I've accepted that

But I want to do it on my timeline.

Not his.

But who am I to say that I'll even be here tomorrow?

I cannot imagine telling God to wait & then having to face Jesus.

I cannot imagine telling God that I love him, but ignore his desires for me.

I can't imagine what he feels like when I ignore him because it's not what I want to do.

He's standing back and weeping while I'm living the so-called dream.

He's watching me live comfortably while his children are hurting

and me, his daughter whom he chose, is ignoring her brothers and sisters in need.

And ignoring her father's gentle, small voice.

I can only imagine that this is what he's saying:

"My dear, dear Casey, I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. I didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your life isn't small, but you're living it in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your life. Live openly and expansively!!"

-based on 2 Cor. 6:11-13 MSG

singing lies & new ways.

2009-02-19T01:24:00.003-05:00

Lately, I've experienced God in new ways that are totally foreign to me.

I've been undignified at times when all I wanted was to be dignified.

I've shouted when I wanted to be silent.

I've been quiet and listened when I wanted to shout.

And all of those things make this joy swell up inside of me because I'm learning new things about the nature of God and about worship.

Tonight I was at a campus worship service and I was broken because I just had this feeling that many in the room weren't experiencing God in His fullness. Now that I've grown accustomed to doing that, it makes me realize what some are missing out on.

But, I don't want to judge them, nor do I want them to stay in the same place. I want to bring them with me, I want them to learn new things about the nature of God, to learn new ways to worship, to do things out of the ordinary to honor God.

We were singing the lyrics, "Let what we do in here fill the streets out there, let us dance for you, let us dance for you."

But no one was dancing. We were standing still and everyone was singing the same lyrics over & over & over.

That's the world's view of Christianity if we're being honest.

Boring people who lead boring lives.

People who say one thing & do another.

But my God is exciting. He likes for me to usher in his Presence. He likes for me to dance and to completely be out of my comfort zone. He likes for me to be still after I've ushered him in. He likes for me to enjoy life. He likes for me to be passionate. He likes for me to do what pleases me as long as it pleases Him.

He's my FATHER.

Of course he wants me to lead a full life.

That's what fathers desire of their children.

I'm tired of being a Christian who sings lies at church.

I'm ready to Usher in his Presence while he brings

revival to our weary land and parched souls.

Are you with me?

SAY SOMETHING!!!

2009-02-08T19:00:00.003-05:00

We all know what it feels like to know God can, but doubt that he will.

But that's not the nature of God. He desires to show his glory through us, if only we would let him. If we were to stop searching for the will of God and be willing to do the will of God, so much would change in our world today.

Do you realize how powerful your words are?

God spoke the universe into existence.

He could've built it, but he didn't.

When you tell yourself/others how ugly you are, you're agreeing with the devil. You're speaking something that isn't true. The devil has you right where he wants you, but it's only because you let him bring you there.

When we talk about how the stock market is going to crash, we're setting ourselves up for that. We're creating a world with our words.

So why not create a better world with our words?

Instead of speaking death, why wouldn't we speak life?

It's time for us to SAY SOMETHING.

When we want to see God do something, we need to speak it.

After God establishes it and what we will agrees with His Word, it will come to pass.

The cool thing is that there isn't a limit to how big you can dream.

You can speak so much life that it's really unfathomable.

God is TOO good. TOO good to ME!!

2009-02-05T00:02:00.001-05:00

January 31st-written by Auntie Katie.

OH!

Today was supply day... Amazima Ministries gave out 1,740 books, 864 pencils, 280 pens, 54 rulers, protractors and erasers, 100 boxes of colored pencils, 220 toothbrushes and tubes of toothpaste, 1,100 bars of soap, and 568 rolls of toilet paper. Yep, Mommy's TOAST.

But oh, SO WORTH IT!

I dont even know where to begin to tell you about the last several days. So so many moments of just plain HARD-ness. So so many moments of complete WONDERFUL-ness. Last night I was filling 220 bags with supplies, eating a stale piece of bread and my coffee, and laughing at my children as they watched Charlotte's Web for the millionth time. In Africa, people mix up the words "too" and "so". Instead of "she is so tall, pretty, nice..", "she is TOO tall, pretty, nice." Instead of "I like that so much.", "I like that TOO much." But they have one thing correct; God is TOO good. TOO good to ME! I frequently look around myself and just cannot believe it. How incredible is it that though I do not deserve such happiness, though I infact do not deserve ANYTHING from Him, He lavishes it on me. Oh, my, it is so (too!) overwheliming sometimes.

I know everyone is waiting impatiently for an update on my 7, who we have been calling "the J's" thought they don't really all start with J. Well of course, all my worrying was for NOTHING (surprise!) There is a fairly well off Ugandan couple building a nice house a few doors down. Until they finish it, there is a poor woman staying there to "watch" the house. She came to my door Wednesday and looked around curiously. "I saw all thouse kids come in," she said, "and they never came out!" I laughed to myself. "Well," I responded, "I am praying for a mom for them and until she comes, I'm it!" The woman looked at me as if I had two heads (not uncommon). Then she began to cry, and explained to me she had just lost her baby and had been praying for a child. She held out her arms, and the littlest Jane fell right into them. Oh, my heart. She continued to weep as she explained that she would take them in a heartbeat if she could only afford to care for them. I smile. God, you are TOO good. I can more than afford to provide for them, I had already added them to our program anyway. As I told her that I would pay for their school, meals and medical care, the weeping continued.. but now it was both of us. The girls and Jonah bathed, put on their new clothes and eagerly ran off to their new house with their new MOM. Later in the day, Agnes, Margaret and I took them all blankets, mosquito nets and a hot meal. The best part is, they live right next door! I have visited to give them medicine and they have come over to play every day. And every single day, they look just a little bit happier, a little bit more full. TOO GOOD.

I sit on my front porch in the hot hot sun, drinking my hot hot coffee and I get chill bumps. Not because I'm cold. Not because I'm sick. Because God is moving, and I am watching it. And good, too good, does not begin to describe.

But maybe I can give you a glimpse..

This is my family

We can make this little girl (Joanne)...

...this little girl (Joanne a few hours later)

Our new friends, Sharon, Jane, Joanne, Jonathan, Joy, Sarah and Mary after baths, food and some sweet love!

As I gave out supplies today I looked into all the sweet sweet faces of these precious children, some who have experienced more hurt and hardship than I can imagine. And I remeber that He has called them each by NAME and they are HIS. And we dance and we sing with joy my children's new favorite Steven Curtis Chapman song... "I walk the dirt roads of Uganda and see the scars that war has left behind. Hope, like the sun, is fading. They're looking for a cure no one can find. And I hear children's voices singing, of a God who heals and rescues and restores, and I'm reminded, EVERY CHILD IN AFRICA IS YOURS. And its all Yours God, Yours, God, everything is Yours..."

anger & action.

2009-01-25T16:08:00.004-05:00

Seeing people suffering makes me mad. It makes me ask questions. It makes me wish I had more to give. It puts so many things into perspective. Things like this video make me weep, remembering the faces I've seen, the starving children I've touched. It makes me wonder where they are now....the orphans I've played with-are they still alive? Did God reach in and send someone to adopt them? Did they go to bed hungry last night...the last 200 nights?

I just pray that I don't get angry at God, but angry at suffering itself. I pray that I'm angry enough to do something about it rather than just weep and continue with my life. I want to be angry at injustice. I hate it, but do I hate it enough to do something about it?

Do I hate poverty enough to give up my life so that someone else may have life?

Do I hate poverty enough to trust God to pay my bills while I go serve in Africa?

Do I hate poverty enough to go without eating so that someone else may eat?

The honest answer is no.

I'd rather have an ordinary life--a life where I'm oblivious to the horrendous things of the world.

A life where I graduate, get a well-paying job, get married and have children.

A life that is comfortable.

A life that doesn't make me sacrifice.

But I can't.

I can't because

I've held hands of orphans.

I've danced with people who are starving.

I've fed the hungry.

I've fallen in love with these people.

And I can't leave them alone.

I have a voice and they don't.

Therefore, I must use my voice.

I must speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.

And say:

This is not okay.

WE MUST ACT NOW

or millions of children will DIE

and it will be on our backs.

Is that the legacy you want to leave?

for the love of shoes.

2009-01-24T17:42:00.001-05:00

Shoes have the ability to turn a frown upside down.

These are my newest addition [and likely my favorite to date].

Why I Love Nashville #1

2009-01-23T15:13:00.004-05:00

There are a lot of things I love about Nashville. I'm going to attempt to tell you them over a series of random posts.

[imagine picture here. it wouldn't load.]

I'm sitting in Panera eating an overpriced lunch, but it's so good & is healthy.

To my right is a group of music industry people talking about websites and networking.

Two tables over from them is a man, woman and 4 kids. The two oldest kids are playing peek a boo with one of the younger ones and laughter fills the air. I'm not sure about the dynamics, but there are two married adults, but from what I can gather, they aren't married to each other. The parents keep telling their kids to be quiet because 'those people are having a meeting and that girl's trying to eat her lunch and do work.'

The variety of people is Reason #1 why I love Nashville.

I must say the weather isn't too bad either...

it's currently 59 degrees and just lovely outside.

One of the best presents you can give is still absolutely free.

2009-01-21T15:14:00.001-05:00

LIFE OF REILLY

There are some games in which cheering for the other side feels better than winning.

by Rick Reilly

Melinda Wright

Gainesville State players douse head coach Mark Williams in celebration.

They played the oddest game in high school football history last month down in Grapevine, Texas.

It was Grapevine Faith vs. Gainesville State School and everything about it was upside down. For instance, when Gainesville came out to take the field, the Faith fans made a 40-yard spirit line for them to run through.

Did you hear that? The other team's fans?

They even made a banner for players to crash through at the end. It said, "Go Tornadoes!" Which is also weird, because Faith is the Lions.

"I WOULDN'T EXPECT ANOTHER PARENT TO TELL SOMEBODY TO HIT THEIR KIDS. BUT THEY WANTED US TO!"

It was rivers running uphill and cats petting dogs. More than 200 Faith fans sat on the Gainesville side and kept cheering the Gainesville players on—by name.

"I never in my life thought I'd hear people cheering for us to hit their kids," recalls Gainesville's QB and middle linebacker, Isaiah. "I wouldn't expect another parent to tell somebody to hit their kids. But they wanted us to!"

And even though Faith walloped them 33-14, the Gainesville kids were so happy that after the game they gave head coach Mark Williams a sideline squirt-bottle shower like he'd just won state. Gotta be the first Gatorade bath in history for an 0-9 coach.

But then you saw the 12 uniformed officers escorting the 14 Gainesville players off the field and two and two started to make four. They lined the players up in groups of five—handcuffs ready in their back pockets—and marched them to the team bus. That's because Gainesville is a maximum-security correctional facility 75 miles north of Dallas. Every game it plays is on the road.

This all started when Faith's head coach, Kris Hogan, wanted to do something kind for the Gainesville team. Faith had never played Gainesville, but he already knew the score. After all, Faith was 7-2 going into the game, Gainesville 0-8 with 2 TDs all year. Faith has 70 kids, 11 coaches, the latest equipment and involved parents. Gainesville has a lot of kids with convictions for drugs, assault and robbery—many of whose families had disowned them—wearing seven-year-old shoulder pads and ancient helmets.

So Hogan had this idea. What if half of our fans—for one night only—cheered for the other team? He sent out an email asking the Faithful to do just that. "Here's the message I want you to send:" Hogan wrote. "You are just as valuable as any other person on planet Earth."

Some people were naturally confused. One Faith player walked into Hogan's office and asked, "Coach, why are we doing this?"

And Hogan said, "Imagine if you didn't have a home life. Imagine if everybody had pretty much given up on you. Now imagine what it would mean for hundreds of people to suddenly believe in you."

Next thing you know, the Gainesville Tornadoes were turning around on their bench to see something they never had before. Hundreds of fans. And actual cheerleaders!

"I thought maybe they were confused," said Alex, a Gainesville lineman (only first names are released by the prison). "They started yelling 'DEE-fense!' when their team had the ball. I said, 'What? Why they cheerin' for us?'"

It was a strange experience for boys who most people cross the street to avoid. "We can tell people are a little afraid of us when we come to the games," says Gerald, a lineman who will wind up doing more than three years. "You can see it in their eyes. They're lookin' at us like we're criminals. But these people, they were yellin' for us! By our names!"

Maybe it figures that Gainesville played better than it had all season, scoring the game's last two touchdowns. Of course, this might be because Hogan put his third-string nose guard at safety and his third-string cornerback at defensive end. Still.

After the game, both teams gathered in the middle of the field to pray and that's when Isaiah surprised everybody by asking to lead. "We had no idea what the kid was going to say," remembers Coach Hogan. But Isaiah said this: "Lord, I don't know how this happened, so I don't know how to say thank You, but I never would've known there was so many people in the world that cared about us."

And it was a good thing everybody's heads were bowed because they might've seen Hogan wiping away tears.

As the Tornadoes walked back to their bus under guard, they each were handed a bag for the ride home—a burger, some fries, a soda, some candy, a Bible and an encouraging letter from a Faith player.

The Gainesville coach saw Hogan, grabbed him hard by the shoulders and said, "You'll never know what your people did for these kids tonight. You'll never, ever know."

And as the bus pulled away, all the Gainesville players crammed to one side and pressed their hands to the window, staring at these people they'd never met before, watching their waves and smiles disappearing into the night.

Anyway, with the economy six feet under and Christmas running on about three and a half reindeer, it's nice to know that one of the best presents you can give is still absolutely free.

Hope.

That is amazing. I love when people do unexpected things for the good of someone else.

influence.

2009-01-18T15:06:00.002-05:00

I love, love, love the way God works.

I had lunch with friends today & we were talking about a few guys whose lives are testaments to God's amazing grace.

They were lost, doing drugs and partying like whoa.

but now, the joy of the Lord fills their mouths and their actions.

I am so grateful for this because they have a huge influence on their sports team.

When God fills a few, it's often contagious.

And I'm so, so excited to see lives changed because of their testimonies.

sincerest apologies.

2009-01-18T01:44:00.003-05:00

I have been a horrible blogger lately. I know there are a few of you who are faithful & continue to check back daily to see if I've written.

And for that, I thank you.

I don't really think I usually end up saying much, but thanks for hanging in there with me as I journey through this thing called life.

I'm going to try to write [at least] weekly...possibly even bi or tri weekly!

With that said, know that I don't always meet my goals.

Know that classes have just begun in full swing.

Know that my internship has just begun and is not paid like I thought it was.

Therefore, know that I'm now in search of a job in addition to being a full time student, a 20-hour/week intern, a small group leader, a campus crusade leader and a girl who needs some down time.

So, forgive me if I fail.

I'll give it my best.

but somedays, it's just not going to be feasible

and I'm admitting that to myself & to the world.

So thanks for being a pal & sticking with me. I appreciate you.

I hope you have a lovely MLK weekend!

Here's one of my favorite quotes by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr in honor of his life & legacy. :)

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

life's good & the living's not so easy.

2009-01-15T08:01:00.001-05:00

I'm back to good 'ole Tennessee after Christmas break. It doesn't even seem like we're halfway through January 2009. It sort of blows my mind, really.

2008 was a challenging year to say the least.

God stretched me beyond belief.

There were real highs

And real lows.

The good thing is that I made it through and am in good spirits.

Even when God doesn't come through like I hope for him to,

I can rest in knowing that his track record is clean.

He's never let me down, so I'm just guessing he won't this time either.

I'm hopeful that 2009 will be better, but if not, that I'll grow as much as I've grown over the past year.

Here's to 2009.

Join me on this journey through the good, bad & the ugly.

Love.

blue ashe & postmodernism.

2009-01-02T21:53:00.002-05:00

I just returned from a Campus Crusade Conference. I didn’t know anything about it except I knew there was a crazy new year’s celebration…talk about important details. Ha.

I was headed to a breakout session & the sign for the “Blue Ashe” room caught my eye. I felt like I should turn around and go there instead of where I was heading, so I did. It turns out it was about Postmodernism…something I honestly knew nothing about. The word leaves a negative taste in my mouth, but I didn’t really understand it at all.

Postmodernism runs deep into the hearts of many today. Most Christians aren’t keeping up with the times. Handing out tracts or saying you believe what you believe because the Bible says so doesn’t cut it when you’re talking to someone who questions why truth is true.

I could write about what I heard for days. I have pages and pages of notes, but you would probably be bored out of your mind reading all of them. So, I’ll leave you to ponder a point that stuck out to me.

If you're a Christian-

Do you really love lost people?

prayer.

2008-12-22T14:33:00.003-05:00

Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without heart. -Gandhi.

oh delta, how i dislike you.

2008-12-21T21:52:00.003-05:00

Delta.

You let me down.

I've used your flights in lieu of other carriers because you were strong.

You didn't give into the pressure to gouge your customers

and charge money for their bags.

But now, you've sold out.

You started baggage charges.

You notified your loyal customers by placing a tiny little link on your homepage.

Earth to DELTA---no one reads your homepage. We search for the flights we need.

And while booking the flight we need, you didn't let us know we would have to pay for your stupid sell out.

Thanks a lot, Delta.

I know what you're saying--it's only $15.

But I'm saying, "I booked Delta because of the price difference + not having to pay the stupid baggage fees. Now, I'll use Southwest. They have a direct flight, anyways."

changing the world...one girl at a time.

2008-12-11T15:55:00.001-05:00

i love when people have brilliant ideas.

i love even more when they act on them.

change the world. one girl at a time.

ps. i've been to the slum in kibera & you can donate directly to this project there! amazing. :)

peace.

2008-12-08T13:49:00.004-05:00

God is the giver of peace. I know because he gave some to me today. I prayed over a situation last night. I prayed God’s will be done and I thanked him for where he’s taken me over the past year. The Bible says if you do that, he’ll give you peace. Honestly, that’s the reason I did it. I’ve prayed over and over about the situation, but I haven’t completely given it to God.

Therefore, I’ve continued to worry. Worry has done nothing for me because worry doesn’t change anything. It’s essentially doubting that God will do what he says he will do. And that’s what I was doing.

So this morning when I woke up to find a new twist in the plot, one that yesterday would’ve sent me overboard into unstable land, I wanted to scream, but I felt peace.

I jumped to Bible verses and songs that declare that God is still God, no matter what happens in my tiny little life. “All of my life, in every season-you are still God. All of my life, in every season-I have a reason to worship.”-hillsong

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:6-7)

And check this little ditty that I just found!

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

And through the rivers, they will not over flow you.

When you walk through fire, you will not be scorched,

Nor will the flame burn you.

For I am the Lord your God. -Isaiah 43:2-3

i judged you when I should've loved you.

2008-12-07T20:48:00.002-05:00

When I think about my earlier years, I think of the best friends I’ve had. They’re very random & I’m not sure how I became friends with a lot of them…but we were best friends nonetheless.

First there was Kate. We were best friends in kindergarten, first and the beginning of second grade. Then, we weren’t in the same class, so we didn’t hang out as much. In fourth grade, we liked the same boy and sort of hated each other for it. She’s now a student at NYU & hopes to be on Broadway.

Then, there was Jessica. We were really good friends for a while, but then we weren’t. Nothing happened, we just sort of went our separate ways. I haven’t seen her since we graduated, but I know she’s married and has a toddler now. Crazy!

Then, the one I think about the most: Amber. She had a rough life. Her parents were divorced, as were mine, but they had split custody. She would live with her mom during the weeks and go to her dad’s on the weekends. Both parents dated other people & her mom eventually married a loser who had nothing going for him. I’m pretty sure he was unfaithful, watched pornography, etc.

She had a rough home life, but she was my friend. We were best friends for the longest time and I remember us going to each other’s houses. She would always come to my house on Saturdays and spend the night with me and we would go to church on Sunday mornings. I don’t know why I remember that, but I do.

We were best friends from third/fourth grade until sixth or seventh grade. Then, I was running with the popular kids & did a lot of ridiculous stuff, but wasn’t tempted by a lot of things Amber dealt with.

You see-she wasn’t raised in church. She had no background of what was good and what was bad. I did. I was a brat who did a lot of things because I knew Jesus would forgive me. She did things because she thought it was what she had to do to be loved.

In high school, I didn’t see her, and when I did, we didn’t really speak. Her life took a turn for the worse and mine, well; I guess you would say for the better. The word was that she got involved with drugs and lost lots of weight. The last time I saw her, she was skin & bones. She hooked up with guys and ended up dropping out of high school and had a baby.

I think of her more than I think of the rest of my ‘best friends’ from grade school. Mostly because my mom saw her in the grocery store last year and told me about their conversation.

She said she had a baby and was struggling to get by. My mom congratulated her on the baby and told her things would look up.

Then Amber said, “I just wish I could’ve been like Casey…smart enough to go to college and stay away from all the stuff I’ve been involved in.”

I cried when my mom told me this because I felt her pain through those words. A few poor choices led her down a path of pain, a path of constantly trying to fill a void with alcohol, sex, drugs, and eventually a baby.

I can’t imagine raising a child without a father’s help, without a high school diploma, without a steady income and honestly, without Jesus’ help.

I look at her situation and I’m so grateful that I’m where I am and not in her shoes. I don’t know why God allowed her to go through what she’s gone through, but I know he can turn what the devil meant for evil into good.

One day, I know God will use her story to inspire others and when that day comes, I hope to be the first one to find out!

In case you’re ever reading this, Amber-

I’ve thought about all of the days we spent together & all of the time I didn’t share with you the one thing you were searching for: Jesus. I knew him, but I was selfish and didn’t share with you and probably didn’t show you what he had done in my own life.

During high school, I was a little ashamed to admit we were best friends during elementary and middle school, which likely means I was a terrible friend. I judged you when I should’ve loved you. I’m sure that’s the same experience you’ve had with Christians since then, but I beg you to judge Christ for who he is, not for who I (or any other Christians) say he is.

I don’t have it all together. My life isn’t ‘great’ because I went to college. It’s not great because I didn’t have children during high school. It’s great because Jesus saved me. Just going to college will never fulfill anyone’s life. Just doing the ‘right thing’ never saved a man.

A relationship with your Creator is what will. He doesn’t care what you’ve done wrong. He’ll wipe your slate clean and let you start fresh daily. He won’t hold it over your head that you had a baby without being married or because you’ve done this or that. He forgives you and he loves you.

I’m sorry for not keeping in touch and I hope you’ll forgive me for judging you. If you ever want to catch up, I would love to grab coffee and talk about life.

Love.

the audacity!

2008-12-04T02:27:00.002-05:00

Tonight was the last Synodia of the semester & one of my friends and I were talking afterwards. She mentioned that she was really sad that a few people weren’t there.

Then she said something that I’ve never thought about.

“You sort of know that if they’re not there, they’re honestly probably not doing very well in their relationship with God.”

WHOAAA.

At first, I was thinking ‘well that’s an audacious thing to say.”

But then I thought about it as it relates to my own life.

I make time for what I want to make time for.

I look forward to church and Synodia each week and when I miss it, it makes me sad. There was a period in my life, though, when I didn’t go to church often. Last year, even. I was feeling God’s nudge to go to a different church and I didn’t know where to go, so I stopped seeking him and I stopped going.

That choice was directly related to the fact that I wasn’t plugged in. I wasn’t reading my Bible. I wasn’t praying. I wasn’t going out of my way to help others.

I wasn’t plugged in, so I neglected public worship.

Those were probably some of the most depressing times of my life, when I felt like I had nowhere to turn, no one to talk to. When you’re involved in a church or fellowship of believers, God uses them to teach you all sorts of things.

So, tonight I’m praying for you. I’m praying for the one who says “I hate God.” I’m praying for the one who has let himself slip away from his first love. I’m praying for the one that thinks all Christians are judgmental. I’m praying for the one who’s letting a relationship take precedence over his relationship with Jesus. I’m praying for the one who hasn’t been to church in years and doesn’t think Jesus loves him. I’m praying for the one who says, “Jesus could never forgive me for all I’ve done. You just don’t understand.” I’m especially praying for the one who is running from God even when you know in your heart that he loves you and he’s there for you, no matter what your circumstance.

I’m praying that you’ll find truth in the scriptures. I’m praying that you’ll be urged to drop everything else and fall to your knees in worship. I’m praying that you’ll not be bound by sin anymore. I’m praying that you’ll turn and find Jesus waiting for you as he has been all along.

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. -Hebrews 10: 19-25

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. -Acts 2:42-47

Love...the crazy kind.

baby giggles.

2008-12-02T16:47:00.000-05:00

The sound of babies laughing is likely the greatest sound I’ve ever heard. Especially when the two babies laughing shouldn’t be alive. Two babies whose mother claims she didn’t know she was pregnant until they were born. Two babies whose mother received no prenatal care. Two babies whose mother tested positive for cocaine during her pregnancy. Two babies who tested negative for cocaine. Two babies who were born three months premature. Two babies who were 2 and 3 pounds when I first held them, when they were three months old. Two babies whose hearts stopped beating daily in the NICU. Two babies who were orphans after they were born. Two babies whom a foster family loves more than they’ll ever know. Two babies who will hopefully complete a family who waited 16 years to have children.

The obstacles these tiny babies have overcome amaze me. They’re now six months old, but are three months by their adjusted age. They’re both on track and Addie is even in the 50^th percentile of height/weight charts. That’s so insane considering her weight of 3 pounds, just three months ago.

I’m excited to see what God is going to do in their little lives. If he created them to be little fighters, I’m sure he has big plans for them.

Hearing them laugh when I said ‘boo!’ over and over was priceless. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

Africa, with all its need, has much to teach me.

2008-12-01T14:53:00.001-05:00

When I think of Africa, the following images immediately come to mind: Starvation. AIDS. Child soldiers. Genocide. Sex slaves. Orphans. From there, my thoughts naturally turn to how I can help, how I can make a difference. "I am needed here," I think. "They have so little, and I have so much." It's true, there are great tragedies playing out in Africa everyday. There is often a level of suffering here that is unimaginable until you have seen it, and even then it is difficult to believe. But what is even harder is reconciling the challenges that many Africans face with the joy I see in those same people. It's a joy that comes from somewhere I cannot fathom, not within the framework that has been my life to this day.

The images spilling out of my television showed circumstances that could seemingly only equal misery, and I was fooled. I bought into the lie that circumstance defines happiness. The truth is, in Africa I find hearts full of victory, indomitable spirits. In places where despair should thrive, instead I find adults dancing and singing, and children playing soccer with a ball crafted of tied up trash. Instead of payback, I find grace. Here, weekend getaways are not options to provide relief from the pains of daily life. Relationships and faith provide joy. Love is sovereign.

My new reality… I know now that my joy should have no regard for my circumstances. I'm ashamed by my lack of faith, but at the very same moment I am excited by my new pursuit. I'm forced to redefine the meaning of having much or having little. I'm uneasy with the prospect of change and of letting go, but just the thought of freedom is liberating. I want what I have learned to trickle down from my head into my heart - I no longer want to need the "next thing" to have joy.

I'm not saying that Africa does not need our efforts. It absolutely does need our partnership. But for me, I've come to understand that I NEED AFRICA MORE THAN AFRICA NEEDS ME. Why? Because it is Africa that has taught me that possessions in my hands will never be as valuable as peace in my heart. I've learned that I don't need what I have and that I have what I need. These are just a few of this continent's many lessons. I came here to serve and yet I've found that I have so much to learn, and Africa, with all its need, has much to teach me.

-I NEED AFRICA MORE THAN AFRICA NEEDS ME.

relationships & the little things.

2008-11-28T22:51:00.001-05:00

We have to be careful not to fall in love with the movement or the revolution, but to concentrate on our relationships and the little things. -Josh Casper

I need Africa more than Africa needs me.

2008-11-24T15:58:00.006-05:00

One of my friends from freshman year at Belmont recently went to Nairobi, Kenya. I saw on her facebook status that she was at Havilla, an orphanage I visited when I was there. It reminded me how much I need Africa. I'm having withdrawals and couldn't wish that I was there anymore than I already do.

One little boy captivated me. As soon as I got there, he was by my side. It hurt to leave him each day as we rode away. One day in particular, I will never forget.

We were in a semi-circle and were singing songs and doing hand motions. I was overwhelmed with emotion that day, for some reason. I managed to hold it together until my friend Chelsea accidentally hit Patrick in the eye with her camera.

I lost it...completely. He was crying, I was crying, Chelsea was crying and the rest of the team thought we were just sad that we were leaving. I was completely devastated that I had to leave my little Patrick. I was devastated that he was in pain. I was broken for his situation. I was broken that he is an orphan. I was messed up, to say the least.

So when I found out she was going to Havilla, I instantly messaged her and told her to tell my Patrick I said hello & that I miss him tremendously. I was too late...so she wasn't able to tell him.

I think that gives me a good reason to go back. I need to see my little Patrick and tell him I love him. I need to give him the biggest hug ever and spin him around and play with him until I'm exhausted.

I need my love cup to be filled up.

I need Africa.

I need Africa way more than Africa needs me.

Look how big he is now! ahh.

"I need Africa more than Africa needs Me" Do You? Find out December 1.

getting out of the way.

2008-11-19T18:46:00.002-05:00

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life. I don’t want a regular job. If things were as I wanted, I probably wouldn’t have a job. I would just have a never-ending source of money and I would travel the world with my love, playing with orphans, ending world hunger and curing aids and introducing everyone I met to Jesus.

It seems as if that may not be the direction God’s planned for life to go. Of course, he wants me to introduce everyone I meet to Jesus, but maybe not with a never-ending money source traveling the world with my love. The visions of the two are vastly different.

I’m a junior in college and some of my friends are graduating next semester. I’ll be twenty-one in a few weeks (six weeks plus one day to be exact). I wonder what I’m going to do, how I’ll make ends meet, and the list goes on.

Everything in me wants to be a go-getter and climb the corporate ladder for the thrill of it. I could do it because I’m motivated. I’m motivated because I love a good challenge, especially if someone tells me I can’t do it. Then, I could make big bucks, marry some CEO and we’d be set with the American dream.

But I know in my heart, that’s not what Jesus is calling me to. My family has never had a whole lot of extra money, so why start now? We’ve had enough because Jesus has always provided, but we’ve always had to trust him for his provision. That’s the place Jesus wants me. It could be in a literal or a figurative sense, I’m not really sure.

I’m an independent, strong willed person, so I get a big head when things start going my way. As soon as I think I’ve got it all together, Jesus yanks the rug from underneath me to remind me that HE had it all together and gave it to me.

When God opens doors for things that he’s passionate about and sparks a desire within me, I am overjoyed. He did that today. I was interviewed for a paid internship (yes, that’s an oxymoron) with a family homeless shelter today and was given the job for next semester. It’s such a great organization that doesn’t seek to band-aid the problem of homelessness. They equip homeless families to change the fact that the world has told them they are nothing and that everyone has given up on them.

It’s amazing how God moves when I get out of the way. Giving up my pride in order to hang out with homeless people was a big step. As soon as I did it, God started opening doors and hasn’t stopped yet.

I pray I’ll live out these lyrics:

I give my life to follow
everything I believe in

Now I surrender.

Love...the crazy kind.

firsts.

2008-11-18T01:23:00.006-05:00

The past two weeks have been filled with firsts. I'll try to relate each of them to you with a picture. :)

The biggest and most shocking is...

I have black hair now!

Our first basketball game of the season! We won. :)

My first trip to Hotel Indigo.

My first hockey game!!!

There were like 10 fights. Below are two of them, which were pretty fun and intense.

This one included Jordin TooToo. (My favorite because his name is TooToo

and his number is 22 and because he was a hothead. haha)

My first trip to Otter's. Fun times.

There are many more, but I would hate to bore you with all of them. Let's just say it's been a great past two weeks. I've had lots of fun and met many, many new people and hung out with acquaintances so we're now friends. :)

Hope you have a lovely night/day...whatever it is when you read this!

Love.

before the winter comes.

2008-11-16T17:40:00.002-05:00

At church today, the pastor talked about the most incredible story. I cried, which is so embarrassing, but I saw every lady around me wiping her eyes, so it wasn't so bad.

It was written by a lady who was a nurse. She was working in the hospital one day and was talking to this older gentleman who was recovering from a mild heart attack. She checked up on him and he asked if she could do one thing for him.

She said she would be glad to. He asked her to please call his daughter, Jamie and let her know that he was in the hospital. The nurse continued about her duties, filling in charts and checking on other patients. She checked on the man again and he reminded her to call his daughter.

She promised she wouldn't forget, but she continued doing more important things. She checked on him again and he reminded her to call his daughter. As she was walking out the door, he asked if he could have a piece of paper and a pen. She gave him the paper and pen, walked out the door and finally went to call his daughter.

Jamie answered and the nurse told her that her father was in the hospital. Jamie freaked out and said, "He's not dying, is he?!!" The nurse reassured her that he was simply recovering from a mild heart attack.

Jamie responded by saying, "Well, whatever you do, DON'T LET HIM DIE!!! I'm leaving right now and will be there in 45 minutes. I last spoke to my dad one year ago. We had a fight about a boyfriend of mine and the last words I said to my dad were, "I HATE YOU!" So, you can't let him die."

The nurse ended the conversation and went to check on Jamie's dad. When she walked into the room, his body was lifeless. She checked his pulse, but none was there. She called over the intercom, "Code 99. STAT!" and the doctors immediately rushed in. They tried to resuscitate him for 30 minutes, but they were unsuccessful.

The nurse dreaded the next moments when she would have to meet 21-year-old Jamie and tell her that her father had passed. After the nurse did a few things, she walked into the hallway and saw a young girl in her twenties standing by a doctor, who had clearly just told her that her father died.

The girl asked if she could see her father before she left. The nurse agreed and took her into the room to see her dead father. Jamie walked in and leaned over onto her father and wailed. "Oh God, he's dead. Oh God. Oh God."

The nurse stood back and mourned with the daughter, knowing she couldn't offer any words of encouragement. She noticed the piece of paper she had given the man on the floor.

She walked over and picked it up. It was crumpled, so she straightened it out and called Jamie over to read it.

It said,

"Jamie, I love you.
And I understand you love me too.
Love, Dad."

oopsie babies.

2008-11-14T15:35:00.004-05:00

Chloe (L) & Addie (R)

My youth pastor just emailed me pictures of their newest additions. Sweet Addie & Chloe. They're such miracles! I held them in the NICU when they were 3 and 5 pounds and three months premature.

I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving and see them & their two big sisters!

How precious is this?!

Portraiture by Melanie

benefit show.

2008-11-12T13:33:00.006-05:00

If you live in the Nashville area, you should come to Rocketown tomorrow night for the Nashville Rescue Mission benefit show. I've been planning this baby for over a month and I'm so excited for it to finally be here.

There are sixteen artists, split up into rounds. So, if you have early dinner plans, you can still make it out to the headlining round with Matthew Perryman Jones, Randall Goodgame, Leigh Nash and Andy Osenga. If you've got a hot dancing date, you can come to the first part of it!

Either way, you should come. It starts at 6:30. Doors at 5:30.

Shoes.

2008-11-10T15:43:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite things to accessorize with is shoes. I counted a few years ago and had over 30 pairs, which is a bit ridiculous. I don't like quiet shoes that no one notices. I like shoes that say something about me. I have purple boots and I used to have green flats (but I had to retire them because I wore holes into the soles). I'm so blessed to be able to pick and choose what shoes I want to wear.

Some people in America and throughout the world are lucky to have one pair of shoes.

Soles4Soles is doing something about that. They're providing new and gently used shoes to millions of people. It started with one man's desire to help victims of the tsunami and continues with lots of people who are willing to give up $5.

Five dollars will buy TWO pairs of shoes.

For the next 49 days, they're trying to get people like you and me to purchase 50,000 shoes for people in need. All we have to do is give up one vanilla latte or give up going out to lunch one day. It's only five dollars to purchase two pairs of shoes.

Donors are automatically entered in to win a trip to Mexico to personally deliver the shoes!

Be a part of something bigger than yourself.

To be a part of this awesome challenge, go to 50000shoes.com

nooma & he don't believe in you, foo!

2008-11-10T01:00:00.004-05:00

I am not a big fan of Rob Bell’s teachings. I respect the way he has captured a generation’s attention, but I get a bad feeling when I listen to his sermons or in this case, nooma videos. Even though I don't personally enjoy listening to him, I know that many people do & I pray that he's speaking the words God wants him to speak.

I could just dismiss the fact that I don't like his teachings, thinking I’m weird, because everyone else seems to love nooma videos and Rob Bell.

I decided to do a little research, because after all, we’re supposed to test things we hear with the Bible, right?

At Synodia last night, a midweek worship service on campus, we watched the nooma video “Dust”.

The video begins with him giving a bit of history behind being a disciple and how the young boys who followed their Rabbis around wanted to be like the Rabbi.

He focuses on Matthew 14:25-31.

The disciples are out the water in a boat and see what they think is a ghost walking on the water. Jesus calls out to them, telling them that it is he, do not be afraid.

Peter says, “Lord if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water.” And he does.

Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water, going toward Jesus. When he saw the wind, he began to doubt and started to sink.

Jesus reached out his hand and said, “Ye of little faith, why did you doubt?”

Bell says that Peter’s first response is to want to walk on water too, so he can be like his Rabbi. His whole life has been devoted to being a disciple and becoming more like Jesus.

More importantly, he says, “I always assumed that Peter doubts Jesus, but Jesus isn’t sinking. Who does Peter doubt? He doubts himself, He loses faith in himself, that he can actually be like his Rabbi. Jesus wouldn’t call him if he didn’t think he could be like him. The Rabbi doesn’t choose you unless the Rabbi thinks you can do what he does, that you can be like him.”

“All my life, I’ve heard people talk about believing in God, but God believes in us, in you, in me. Faith in Jesus is important, but what about Jesus’ faith in us? He must have faith in us because he leaves it all in the hands of the disciples. What’s the last thing Jesus says to them? He says, now you go & make more disciples. He leaves it all in the hands of these disciples and they do it!”

After this point in the video, I grabbed my Bible and walked into the other room because I had to find the verse that said Jesus believes in us. I was determined to find it because that’s one thing I’ve never heard preached.

I never found it…maybe because it’s not in the Bible.

At first, it sounds legit. I mean, Jesus has faith in me. He wants me to succeed because he loves me. But if you think about it, why would an infinite being have faith in a finite being?

Before Jesus ascends into heaven, he says something that makes me think he doesn't "believe in me".

1In my former book, Theophilus, I wrote about all that Jesus began to do and to teach 2until the day he was taken up to heaven, after giving instructions through the Holy Spirit to the apostles he had chosen. 3After his suffering, he showed himself to these men and gave many convincing proofs that he was alive. He appeared to them over a period of forty days and spoke about the kingdom of God. 4On one occasion, while he was eating with them, he gave them this command: "Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about. 5For John baptized with^[a] water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit."

It’s not that he believes in us. He invites us; he empowers us with the Holy Spirit to do what he’s called us to do.

He called Peter to do something that wasn’t possible in his own strength. So, whether he had faith in himself or not, he would never be able to walk on water.

Jesus equipped him with the Holy Spirit to do something that would be impossible on his own.

Thoughts/hate mail for me?

love.

unity.

2008-11-04T23:13:00.002-05:00

With every election, some people are extremely excited and others are extremely angry.

With that said, God calls the body of Christ into unity

whether you agree with their political stance

whether you agree with their denomination

whether you both agree on predestination & free will

whether you both agree on abortion issues

whether you think they're spending their money wisely

whether they're living a Godly lifestyle.

He calls us his people.

And he calls us into UNITY.

So, no matter who your neighbor voted for, they're still your brother or sister in Christ.

Love them.

That's what Jesus would do.

"I'm proof that hope is never lost."

2008-11-04T05:58:00.000-05:00

This is an inspiring story about Josh Hamilton, a former Cincinnati Reds baseball player who happens to be from North Carolina.

To let you know how far I've come, let me tell you where I've been.

Not that long ago, there were nights I went to sleep in strange places praying I wouldn't wake up. After another night of bad decisions, I'd lie down with my heart speeding inside my chest like it was about to burst through the skin. My thinking was clouded, and my talent was one day closer to being totally wasted.

I prayed to be spared another day of guilt and depression and addiction. I couldn't continue living the life of a crack addict, and I couldn't stop, either. It was a horrible downward spiral that I had to pull out of, or die. I lay there -- in a hot and dirty trailer in the North Carolina countryside, in a stranger's house, in the cab of my pickup -- and prayed the Lord would take me away from the nightmare my life had become.

When I think of those terrible times, there's one memory that stands out. I was walking down the double-yellow of a two-lane country highway outside Raleigh when I woke up out of a trance.

I was so out of it I had lost consciousness, but my body had kept going, down the middle of the road, cars whizzing by on either side. I had run out of gas on my way to a drug dealer's house, and from there I left the truck and started walking. I had taken Klonopin, a prescription antianxiety drug, along with whatever else I was using at the time, and the combination had put me over the edge. It's the perfect example of what I was: a dead man walking.

And now, as I stand on the green grass of a major league outfield or walk to the batter's box with people cheering for me, I repeatedly ask myself one simple question: How did I get here from there?

I've been in the big leagues as a member of the Cincinnati Reds for half a season, but I still find myself taking off my cap between pitches and taking a good look around. The uniform, the ballparks, the fans -- it doesn't seem real. How am I here? It makes no sense to anybody, and I feel almost guilty when I have to tell people, over and over, that I can't answer that one simple question.

I go to sleep every night with a clear mind and a clear conscience. Every day, I walk into an immaculate clubhouse with 10 TVs and all the food I can eat, a far cry from the rat-infested hellholes of my user past. I walk to my locker and change into a perfectly clean and pressed uniform that someone else hung up for me. I grab a bat and a glove and walk onto a beautifully manicured field to play a game for a living.

How am I here? I can only shrug and say, "It's a God thing." It's the only possible explanation.

There's a reason my prayers weren't answered during those dark, messed-up nights I spent scared out of my mind. There's a reason I have this blessed and unexpected opportunity to play baseball and tell people my story.

My wife, Katie, told me this day would come. At my lowest point, about three years ago, when I was wasting away to skin and bones and listening to nobody, she told me I'd be back playing baseball someday. She had no reason to believe in me. During that time, I did nothing to build my body and everything to destroy it. I'd go five or six months without picking up a ball or swinging a bat. By then, I'd been in rehab five or six times -- on my way to eight -- and failed to get clean. I was a bad husband and a bad father, and I had no relationship with God. Baseball wasn't even on my mind.

And still Katie told me, "You're going to be back playing baseball, because there's a bigger plan for you." I couldn't even look her in the eye. I said something like, "Yeah, yeah, quit talking to me."

She looks pretty smart, doesn't she? I have a mission now. My mission is to be the ray of hope, the guy who stands out there on that beautiful field and owns up to his mistakes and lets people know it's never completely hopeless, no matter how bad it seems at the time. I have a platform and a message, and now I go to bed at night, sober and happy, praying I can be a good messenger.

Addiction is a humbling experience. Getting it under control is even more humbling. I got better for one reason: I surrendered. Instead of asking to be bailed out, instead of making deals with God by saying, "If you get me out of this mess, I'll stop doing what I'm doing," I asked for help. I wouldn't do that before. I'd been the Devil Rays' No. 1 pick in the 1999 draft, supposedly a five-tool prospect. I was a big, strong man, and I was supposed to be able to handle my problems myself. That didn't work out so well.

Every day I'm reminded that my story is bigger than me. It never fails. Every time I go to the ballpark, I talk to people who are either battling addictions themselves or trying to help someone else who is. Who talks to me? Just about everybody. I walked to the plate to lead off an inning in early May, minding my own business, when the catcher jogged out to the mound to talk to his pitcher. As I was digging in, the home plate umpire (I'm intentionally not naming him) took off his mask and walked around the plate to brush it off. He looked up at me and said, "Josh, I'm really pulling for you. I've fought some battles myself, and I just want you to know I'm rooting for you."

A father will tell me about his son while I'm signing autographs. A mother will wait outside the players' parking lot to tell me about her daughter. They know where I've been. They look to me because I'm proof that hope is never lost.

They remind me that this isn't really about baseball. It's amazing that God allowed me to keep my baseball talents after I sat out three years and played only 15 games last season in A-ball. On May 6, I hit two homers against the Rockies at home, and I felt like I did in high school. I felt like I could do anything on the field.

I've been called the biggest surprise in baseball this year, and I can't argue with that. If you think about it, how many people have gone from being a crack addict to succeeding at anything, especially something as demanding as major league baseball? If I hadn't been picked up by the Reds after the Rule 5 draft, which opened up a major league roster spot for me, I'd probably still be in A-ball. Instead, I'm hanging around .270 with 13 homers through 60 games with Cincinnati; not bad for a 26-year-old major league rookie. But the way I look at it, I couldn't fail. I've been given this platform to talk about the hell I've been through, so it's almost like I need to do well, like I don't have a choice.

This may sound crazy, but I wouldn't change a thing about my path to the big leagues. I wouldn't even change the 26 tattoos that cover so much of my body, even though they're the most obvious signs of my life temporarily leaving the tracks. You're probably thinking, Bad decisions and addiction almost cost him his life, and he wouldn't change anything? But if I hadn't gone through all the hard times, this whole story would be just about baseball. If I'd made the big leagues at 21 and made my first All-Star team at 23 and done all the things expected of me, I would be a big-time baseball player, and that's it.

Baseball is third in my life right now, behind my relationship with God and my family. Without the first two, baseball isn't even in the picture. Believe me, I know.

***** I'LL NEVER forget Opening Day in Cincinnati. When they called my name during introductions and a sellout crowd stood and cheered, I looked into the stands and saw Katie and our two kids -- Sierra, who's nearly 2, and my 6-year-old stepdaughter, Julia -- and my parents and Katie's parents. I had to swallow hard to keep from breaking down right there. They were all crying, but I had to at least try to keep it together.

I pinch-hit in the eighth inning of that game against the Cubs, and Lou Piniella decided to make a pitching change before I got to the plate. The crowd stood and cheered me for what seemed like forever. It was the best sound I've ever heard. When I got into the box, Cubs catcher Michael Barrett looked up at me from his crouch and said, "You deserve it, Josh. Take it all in, brother. I'm happy for you." I lined out to left, but the following week I got my first start and my first hit -- a home run.

Whether I hit two bombs or strike out three times, like I did in a game against the Pirates, I never forget that I'm living with addiction. It's just part of my life. Johnny Narron, my former manager's brother, is a big part of my recovery. He's the Reds' video coordinator, and he once coached me in fall baseball when I was 15. He looks after me on the road. When they pass out meal money before a trip -- always in cash -- they give mine to Johnny, and he parcels it out to me when I need it.

I see no shame in that; it's just one of the realities of my situation. I don't need to be walking around with $400 in my pocket.

I know I'm different, and my teammates have been very accepting. Being a rookie in the big leagues, there are certain rituals involved, and one of them is carrying beer onto the plane. My teammates gave me that job on one of the first road trips, and I didn't do it. I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to be seen carrying beer onto a plane. They respected my decision.

I get a lot of abuse in visiting cities, but it only bothers me when people are vulgar around kids. The rest I can handle. Some of it is even funny. In St. Louis, I was standing in rightfield when a fan yelled, "My name is Josh Hamilton, and I'm a drug addict!" I turned around and looked at him with my palms raised to the sky. "Tell me something I don't know, dude," I said. The whole section started laughing and cheering, and the heckler turned to them and said, "Did you hear that? He's my new favorite player." They cheered me from that point on.

I live by a simple philosophy: Nobody can insult me as much as I've insulted myself. I've learned that I have to keep doing the right things and not worry about what people think. Fortunately, I have a strong support group with Katie, my family and Johnny. If I ever get in a bad situation, I know I would have to get out of it and give Johnny a call. The key is not getting myself into those situations, but we've talked about having a plan for removing myself just in case. It's all part of understanding the reality of the addiction.

In spring training, when I hit over .400 and made the team, there was a lot of interest in my story.

I decided to be open about what happened to me; early on, I was doing long interviews before my first game in every city. It's been amazing how people have responded, and I think being honest helped. I can't avoid my past, so I don't try. It's not always easy, though. I got sick in late May and ended up on the disabled list after going to the hospital with a stomach problem, and I knew I'd have to answer questions about whether I was using again. I can't control what people think, but the years of drug abuse tore up my immune system pretty good. I get tested three times a week, and if it comes back positive, I know I'm done with baseball for life.

Aside from our struggles as a team, this season has been a dream for me. And that's fitting, because in a way I had to learn how to dream all over again. When I was using, I never dreamed. I'd sleep the dead, dreamless sleep of a stalled brain. When I stopped using, I found my dreams returned. They weren't always good dreams; most of the ones I remember were haunting and dark. They stayed with me long after I woke up.

Within my first week of sobriety in October 2005 -- after I showed up at my grandmother's house in Raleigh in the middle of the night, coming off a crack binge -- I had the most haunting dream. I was fighting the devil, an awful-looking thing. I had a stick or a bat or something, and every time I hit the devil, he'd fall and get back up. Over and over I hit him, until I was exhausted and he was still standing.

I woke up in a sweat, as if I'd been truly fighting, and the terror that gripped me makes that dream feel real to this day. I'd been alone for so long, alone with the fears and emotions I worked so hard to kill. I'm not embarrassed to admit that after I woke up that night, I walked down the hall to my grandmother's room and crawled under the covers with her. The devil stayed out of my dreams for seven months after that. I stayed clean and worked hard and tried to put my marriage and my life back together. I got word in June 2006 that I'd been reinstated by Major League Baseball, and a few weeks afterward, the devil reappeared.

It was the same dream, with an important difference. I would hit him and he would bounce back up, the ugliest and most hideous creature you could imagine. This devil seemed unbeatable; I couldn't knock him out. But just when I felt like giving up, I felt a presence by my side. I turned my head and saw Jesus, battling alongside me. We kept fighting, and I was filled with strength. The devil didn't stand a chance.

You can doubt me, but I swear to you I dreamed it. When I woke up, I felt at peace. I wasn't scared. To me, the lesson was obvious: Alone, I couldn't win this battle. With Jesus, I couldn't lose.

***** I GET cravings sometimes, and I see it as the devil trying to catch me in a weak moment. The best thing I can do is get the thought out of my mind as soon as I can, so it doesn't turn into an obsession. When it happens, I talk to him. I talk to the devil and say, "These are just thoughts, and I'm not going to act on them." When I talk like that, when I tell him he's not going to get the best of me, I find the thought goes away sooner.

Believe it or not, talking to the devil is no harder to explain than many other experiences I've had since that day last December when my life changed. I was working for my brother's tree service in Raleigh, sending limbs through a chipper, when I found out I'd been selected by the Cubs and traded to the Reds in the Rule 5 draft.

But there is one story that sticks with me, so much so that I think of it every day. I was driving out of the players' parking lot at Great American Ball Park after a game in May, with Katie and our two girls. There's always a group of fans standing at the curb, hoping to get autographs, and I stop to sign as many as I can.

And on this particular night, a little boy of about 9 or 10, wearing a Reds cap, handed me a pen and something to sign. Nothing unusual there, but as I was writing the boy said, "Josh, you're my savior."

This stopped me. I looked at him and said, "Well, thank you. Do you know who my savior is?"

He thought for a minute. I could see the gears turning. Finally, he smiled and blurted out, "Jesus Christ." He said it like he'd just come up with the answer to a test. "That's exactly right," I said.

You see, I may not know how I got here from there, but every day I get a better understanding of why.

single.issue.voting.

2008-11-03T14:50:00.002-05:00

I've contemplated posting this, but I decided to do it. I don't stand for everything the author stands for. Our views are not carbon copies, although we both do like Jesus. :)

It's become "cool" for evangelical Christians to distinguish themselves by insisting that they're not one of those close-minded fundies who base their vote primarily on a candidate's position on abortion and gay marriage.

"We're more enlightened," they boast, "more broad-minded; we think of thewhole of Scripture, not just a part."

I understand the intention, as well as the desire to avoid some of the embarrassments of the past. As one who worked full-time in the pro-life movement in the late 80s through the mid-90s, I personally witnessed my share of "crazies," people who would ridiculously kill in the name of life. Some of the national pro-life leaders said embarrassing things, or true things in an embarrassing way. Any reasonable person could understand why someone wouldn't want to be identified with them.

Added to this understandable reluctance is the allure of what I call fashionable politics.

Environmentalism? Now that's cool. All of Hollywood, every left-leaning educator, even the New York Times will celebrate Christians who feel called to "save" the environment. Socially speaking, that's a pretty easy cross to carry.

AIDS and Africa? While it may have carried a stigma 20 years ago, fighting AIDS is now practically a badge of honor. From Elton John to Bono to Kay Warren, there are a lot of popular people doing some wonderful things to fight a terrible disease. (And may God increase their number.)

But abortion? That's not so cool.

Stand next to the people who hold up those awful signs with mangled fetus-corpses in front of abortion clinics? Throw in your lot with those crazies who used to blockade the doors of "medical" facilities? No thanks, God, I think I feel called to something else.

Something cool.

But here's the thing about being a Christian: We don't get to choose what we should be concerned about. The Bible not only tells us what to believe, it tells us what we should care about, and it stresses that our motivation shouldn't have anything to do with the news media, Hollywood or even popular church opinion:

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Gal. 1:10)

The Old Testament singles out several groups to focus our compassion on, including the poor, but two of the poorest groups in particular seem to get the most attention. The New Testament echoes the call to reach these two groups in James 1:27:

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God means caring for orphans and widows in their distress.

I'd like to suggest that in this day and age, a child on its way to an abortion clinic constitutes the classic "orphan." Even though both parents may technically be "alive," neither mother nor father is acting like a parent. Abortion by its very nature is the act of parents giving up all duties and responsibilities of caring for their child. And since that child is on its way to certain destruction, it is certainly "in distress." We should care, really care,about these children, whether or not it's fashionable to do so. Because God cares, we should care. It's that simple.

This goes beyond not participating in an abortion. It means actively defending those who are vulnerable to abortion:

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. (Prov. 31:8-9)

So Many Issues

But many might argue, "I'm not going to be a single-issue voter!" That's the new enlightenment thinking, anyway. Here's the challenge: Not every issue is equal, and not every issue is handled all that differently by either candidate.

Yes, the Bible has much, very much to say about taking care of the poor. Keeping that in mind, the fact of the matter is that the bottom 40 percent of wage earners in this country pay no income tax; that won't change under a Republican or Democrat administration. The truly poor can't pay less than zero, so as an issue, what the Bible calls true "poverty" has already been weighed carefully by both parties.

I realize that not paying taxes doesn't mean one has the money for other things, but let's be honest: about 90 percent of the students in my kid's high school who receive free lunches as part of a government handout also own cell phones — and many have more and bigger televisions than we do; calling them truly poor is a bit of a stretch.

Both current presidential candidates have said they want to address global warming, making that issue pretty much a tossup; even if one candidate is slightly more aggressive than the other in addressing it, it would be difficult to objectively state that the environment is truly threatened by one or the other. Given this, while the environment is an important issue, is it a vote-changing issue? Obviously, if the world disintegrates, every life is threatened, butneither candidate is suggesting we do nothing, or that we allow people to pollute with impunity.

Our government will spend billions of dollars on AIDS research and aid to Africa, regardless of who is in the White House; that was true under Clinton, and it's been true under Bush, and it will be true regardless of who is elected this time around. I don't see how either party can claim the moral ground on this issue.

But when it comes to abortion, the "uncoolest" of all issues, the difference is staggering. At stake this year is the "Freedom of Choice Act" (FOCA), which has garnered significant congressional support, particularly if the new occupant in the White House would look favorably on such a bill.

What would this act do?

FOCA would, in a single stroke, remove most of even the modest restrictions on abortion that have already been passed, including the state laws requiring young girls to notify their parents before getting an abortion. Just as offensively, it would remove legal protections from doctors who, on moral grounds, refuse to assist in an abortion (so much for the pro-choicemovement).

It's also important to look at funding: Here as well, the candidates have a stark difference. One favors paying for abortions for the poor — making those who morally oppose abortion have to pay taxes that will be used to pay for what these citizens view as murder — and opposes any substantive ban on partial-birth abortion, which is a monstrously grotesque procedure.

Regardless of one's stand on abortion in the early weeks or with stem-cell research (which, when you're talking about such a tiny being, or even single cells, can seem — even though it's not — theoretical), it takes a hard heart indeed to support something as violent as partially delivering a child and then sucking out her brains. And yet, some candidates have actually stated opposition to proposed laws that would require doctors to medically treat infants who survived an attempted abortion.

This article isn't about convincing you that abortion is the taking of a human life; there isn't sufficient space for that, and if you don't believe this, there's nothing here to convince you. My concerns will be meaningless.

But if you're a believer who has ever seen an ultrasound picture of an unborn child, or read through the many Scriptures attesting to prenatal life, I amsuggesting that abortion is a bigger issue than just about anything else — and I say that unapologetically. How we treat the most vulnerable amongst us reveals quite a bit about a person's heart, character and compassion as God defines compassion.

Electing any candidate that would sign the FOCA would effectively erase 20 years of progressive legislative gains, and, the possible appointment of several pro-abortion U.S. Supreme Court justices would close the door on legal protections for the unborn for at least another generation.

But What about War?

Abortion is terrible, some might say, but war is just as bad, and what if one candidate would be more likely to keep us from killing people militarily?

War is terrible. But let's put this into perspective: Regardless of your position on the legitimacy of the Iraq war, the 4,000 U.S. soldiers who have died there (as tragic a loss as each life is) still equal just one or two day's loss of life to abortion. Similarly, the number of pre-born babies who have died through abortion eclipses the number of non-Americans who've died in the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. And no one can reasonably call either candidate a war monger.

I'm saying all this at this late date in the election because if you choose to perpetuate the sin of abortion, you need to do so with a thinking mind. I believe you will be judged for doing so, and I don't want to be silent as your Christian brother if you pull that lever or punch that chad. It goes far beyond this election, to all future elections: Our votes should never be based on what's fashionable, but on the unchanging, revealed truth of God.

Not every issue is equal. It may not be cool to still openly care about abortion, and many will mock us for choosing to do so, but part of the glory of being a Christian is to care first and foremost about the things Christ cares about. There is nothing He is more passionate about than the welfare of the little ones He has made and planned a future for.

This is said positively: "Whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me" (Matt. 18:5) and negatively: "If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea" (v. 6). If Jesus reacts this way to people who cause one of His little ones to sinone time, we needn't guess at His reaction to someone who allows that child to be killed.

Christian compassion isn't about being considered "cool." It's about being faithful to the Christ who awakens our hearts to the things He cares about the most.

-Gary Thomas

no more, no less.

2008-11-02T16:26:00.002-05:00

On Wednesday night, I met a few homeless people. Every single time I talk to someone that’s homeless, it changes my perspectives so, so much.

First I met William. He was an older gentleman with a weathered face with deep wrinkles that seemed to tell a story- a story of being homeless for nine years; a story of wondering where his next meal would come from; a story of wondering where he would lay his head each night; a story of a man whose life didn’t turn out as he expected.

He was in a chair off of Church Street underneath a blanket sleeping. We hesitated, but decided to wake him up for dinner. He told us he was waiting for people to clear out of the building he usually sleeps in, but they weren’t usually cleared until around 10:30. He was so thankful that we gave him something warm to eat and drink and agreed for us to pray for him. At the end of the prayer, he thanked us again and had tears in his eyes as we walked away.

We drove down the road we parked on and saw a man digging in the trash. We wanted to stop, but there was nowhere to park, so we drove around the block, parked and walked to where he was. Thankfully, he was still there digging in the trash in front of Walgreens.

We approached him and I asked if we could make his life a little easier if just for a moment and offered him dinner. He agreed to have dinner, but asked, “Can I keep digging? You’d never believe what they throw away.”

His name is Dennis and he has a lady back where they stay. Her name is Dianna, but he calls her ‘my lady’. He told us how he finds all sorts of things in this trashcan. Walgreens apparently throws out things that are priced incorrectly or returned.

We stood and talked to him for the longest time, which may be the reason Dennis is my favorite of all the people we met tonight. As we talked, he told us tales of finding radios, makeup, and clothes in this garbage can. Tonight, we found tools. There were all sorts of tools: screwdrivers, Alan wrenches, bungee cords, rope, electrical tape, hammers, mallets, and nails. It was insane. There was even a little bear filled with honey.

It was fascinating, but also sickening at the same time. There was nothing wrong with these tools. No one bought them (because it’s Walgreen’s for heaven’s sake…who goes there to buy tools??), so they trashed them. [I’ll spare you and won’t jump on my soapbox about consumerism or wastefulness in America.]

We then began to talk about his health. He’s diabetic and his legs were extremely swollen. He has a hernia in his stomach that was bigger than a grapefruit. But he has no health care. He said you almost have to die to be helped if you have no health insurance. He spoke of how we spend billions of dollars on a war, send foreign aid, but in America we’re oblivious to our own people’s suffering.

Then, he turned our attention back to his findings in the garbage. He spoke of Jesus and how he’s going to heaven. He said, “When I get to heaven, I want to a cloud with my very own trashcan on it.”

After being charmed by Dennis for about an hour, we went down this road with Oshi’s flower shop on it. Each side of the street is lined with benches. There were probably 8 benches total and each of them had at least one homeless person on it.

My heart was broken. All of them were sleeping except for one man, who was pushing a shopping cart.

His name was Nathan. He was originally from South Korea, but was adopted when he was three. He didn’t go into much of his story, but knowing he was adopted in order to have a better life in America, but was now homeless didn’t sit well with me.

He smiled more than any of the other people we met, which made me focus on the people around me as they were at the moment, not as I hoped they would be.

These people are loved by the Creator of the universe, just as you and I are loved. No more, no less. He longs for their needs to be met and he equips his people to meet their needs. He doesn’t necessarily send manna down from heaven like he did in the Old Testament days, but he gives you money to buy food for these people. He gives me time to sit down and enjoy a meal with them.

With the upcoming election, I want to remind you all of one thing. It’s not up to the government to feed and clothe the less fortunate. God didn’t say, “Hey GOVERNMENT, look after orphans and widows in their distress.” He also didn’t say for us to look after them only if the government gave us means to do so. He has richly blessed us, so it’s our duty and should be our pleasure to share our blessings with them.

Maybe it’s time for you and I to be the church.

It’s time for us to stop waiting for Bush or Obama or McCain to stand up and speak out for the least of these.

It’s time for the people of God to

look around us,

see the need &

meet the need,

for his glory.

i will rejoice.

2008-10-28T14:59:00.005-05:00

"No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to know is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it." -1 Cor. 10:13 (msg.)

"Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines,

Though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

Though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength."

-Habakkuk 3:17-19

you can vote however you like.

2008-10-25T00:31:00.004-05:00

thanks, TI & atlanta-

for making my night.

purple bunny & a few other things.

2008-10-21T22:20:00.003-05:00

a few things...

Before you watch this video, you should record your reaction...it will probably be funnier than the video itself. do it. do it.

1. Purple Bunny just made my day complete. (around 2:30...just keep watching)

2. I finished 2 eight week classes today!! Now I have 3 classes on Tuesdays & Thursdays. It's basically the best schedule ever. :)

3. Starfield is playing at Trevecca on the 29th. Tickets are only $5. whaaaat?

4. Tomorrow night I'm working a show at Rocketown. It's our first country show...featuring Greg Bates, Cheryl Luquire & two others that I don't know.

That's all for now. PS I saw purple bunny's video on ragamuffinsoul.

Love.

the crazy kind.

engaging in community while neglecting God.

2008-10-18T16:50:00.000-05:00

I’m a passionate person. When I’m involved in something, I’m usually involved 110%, even if it’s absolutely ridiculous. I spend a lot of time on things that are useless & God has been convicting me lately.

It started with a discussion at a Bible study I go to. We were talking about how often we say we don’t have time to do this or that, but we make time for the things that are really important to us.

When you look at where most of your time goes, you see what your priorities are. For a week, I decided to rid my life of pointless things such as television and Facebook. During the time I would typically spend watching tv or going on facebook or doing other pointless things, I would try to read my Bible.

I found that I’m a completely different person when I read my Bible regularly. Joy is evident in my life. I’m not stressed about trying to follow other peoples’ lives or reading into things that don’t mean anything.

After the week was up, I slowly seeped back into the same exact life I had before that realization. I knew it was stupid, but it’s what everyone does, so why shouldn’t I do it too? I need to stay connected with people, right?

Wrong. If staying connected with people replaces staying connected with God, there’s a huge problem. We were created to live in community, but if I’m not focused on Jesus and studying the Word, I have completely missed the mark. Community is pointless without God as the center. It’s like building a house and forgetting to lay the foundation.

Last Wednesday before Synodia, I read my Bible while I ate dinner. A few chapters of Matthew really fascinated me & I found a few verses that I had to share with my roommate who was stressing about going to Sweden on a mission trip. During the service, I was so joyful. I couldn’t stop smiling as I sang praises to Jesus. It was one of the best services I’ve been to in a while, simply because God was central. I did one simple thing (read my Bible) before so my eyes were completely set on Jesus when I arrived. My life was centered on him. I wasn’t worried about what I would wear, who I would see, if I would speak to so & so, my thoughts centered around Jesus.

I don’t write all of this to praise myself because that’s the last person that deserves praise. I write all of this to show the difference when I am focused on Jesus and when I’m not.

When I don’t read my Bible before Synodia in particular, I worry about the things I listed-what I’ll wear, who I’ll see, who I will speak to. My thoughts are anywhere but where they need to be. After some time, I’ll often ask Jesus to refocus me & to help me think of what he would have me think of.

I wrote the other day about bringing glory to God by the way I spend my time and I wasn’t intentional about doing that. I reverted back to old ways of thinking, of spending time, etc.

I’m at Panera working on a few things & I got online instead of studying for my history final. I visited several sites, did some ‘window shopping’ and a little communication with friends.

Then it hit me-YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME!!! It was already 4:00 and I hadn’t accomplished much at all.

I logged onto facebook and decided to deactivate my account.

Then, I decided that wasn’t the best idea because I really need to invite people to my benefit show in November, so I logged out and decided to study.

Then, I decided it was the best idea. So, I deactivated it.

If someone told me at the beginning of this semester that I would deactivate my facebook account today, I would think they were crazy. It’s become something that I can’t see myself without, simply because everyone uses it & it’s an easy communication tool.

After I did it, I sort of freaked. A million questions ran through my head: How will I know when this event is? How will I keep in touch with this girl or that guy? How will I know when it’s ____’s birthday? How will I know what people are doing with their lives?

Maybe I’ll have to pick up the phone and call someone. Or maybe they’ll have to ask for my number to stay in touch. Maybe I’ll have coffee with someone I don’t know very well instead of having a surface level relationship, saying hey & bye and talking on facebook. Maybe I’ll pick up a pen and write someone a letter rather than hoping things are going well with them. ….Just a thought.

That’s the reason I deactivated it…because in my mind, I can’t live without it, but in reality, I can live without it.

What’s taking up your time that you can live without?

Myspace, facebook, twitter, your cell phone….?

Time is a nonrenewable source. Don’t waste it.

disappear.

2008-10-17T15:20:00.003-05:00

I would rather be cast away
Separated from the human race
if I don't bring you glory.
-Bebo Norman, disappear

My prayer is that my heart will get to this point, where I can say this & really mean it.

Have you heard any lyrics that make you stop in your tracks lately?

[l][o][v][e].

creativity.

2008-10-14T23:34:00.001-05:00

I think this is the kind of creativity the Creator of the universe has given us...
New Creation from FC Post on Vimeo.

Love.

procrastinating.

2008-10-13T19:55:00.003-05:00

One day, I'm going to stop procrastinating on school work...but I'm guessing it won't be today. It's the only thing I procrastinate on...I think. I could be lying, but it's unintentional if I am.

It's midterm time at school & I'm finally coming back from fall break after 9 days of the charmed life. ;) Yes, I took a few extra days because I only have T,Th classes & I skipped one of them in order to stay four extra days.

In retrospect, I see that it would have been wiser to come back, go to classes on Thursday and work on homework for the other days. I started on some of it while I was home, but I couldn't get back into the swing of things.

Therefore, I'm blogging (to procrastinate a little more) and then starting on a five page historical analysis paper, reading 2 chapters of history, starting and finishing a take-home midterm exam & studying for an intellectual properties test. FYI, IP is the most boring class on the face of the earth. Never take it.

I probably have something else to do, but I'm not exactly sure what it is. :) awesome, yeah?

On a better note, I had amazing flights today. There were several stories I wanted to share, but I can't really think of them at the moment. Maybe later. :)

Hope your night is fantastic!

Love.

The LORD gives strength to his people;

the LORD blesses his people with peace.

-Psalm 29:11

lampshades...seriously?!

2008-10-11T00:52:00.002-05:00

I was flipping through my Bible while ago reading the things I’ve underlined and marked through the years. I read a few verses & saw that I underlined in pencil. I was thinking, “Who underlines something they want to be set apart in pencil?” It seemed ridiculous to me, but I was the one who did it after all.

The good thing is that the verse underlined in pencil stood out to me. I’m guessing it was God’s plan all along-to have me underline the verse he wanted to show me tonight-in pencil a few months/weeks/years ago, whenever it was that I underlined it.

“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house.” –Matthew 5:14-15

As I read ‘neither do people light a lamp & put it under a bowl’, something clicked. We put bowls (aka lampshades) over our lamps. Utterly ridiculous. Matthew would laugh at us if he saw us doing that.

I think there’s a grandiose parallel.

In privileged America, we have everything we need and essentially everything we want. More often than not, we’re surrounded by light (in a literal sense). In my bedroom alone, there are five light bulbs. Seriously, five. One of them is enough to light my entire room, but in the land of overabundance, I have five. One of them is covered by an opaque lampshade while the others are covered by translucent shades.

In the same way light is abundant in America, so is Christianity. It’s a nation founded on Christian principle. Our dollar bills have God’s name on them, we pledge allegiance to one nation under God, we’re sworn into oath on the Bible and there are often churches on every corner.

We’re continually preached at. Whether it’s in little idioms we hear daily or whether it’s the sweet lady at the grocery store that blesses us each time we see her, we’re surrounded by religion.

The truth is almost always put under a bowl. Instead of putting truth on a lamp stand for all to see, we shield it so it doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. We water it down so it’s ‘seeker friendly’. We’re careful not to step on anyone’s toes by presenting the Bible in its entirety. We leave out the ‘scary’ parts of Christianity. We mock those who take the words of Jesus literally.

I think we forget that truth is truth. The Bible is truth. We cannot add nor take away from what is known to be true. I once heard from an ‘emergent Christian leader’, “Truth is wherever you find it to be. Seek truth.” He then went on to say that if you found truth in getting drunk, so be it. I was sixteen when I heard that & I remember it to this day. I gives me chills that Christians could be so confused. That’s not Biblically sound. Christianity is based on the fact that Jesus is THE way, THE truth, and THE life.

God plays a huge part when we communicate truth in a manner pleasing to him. If he wants to step on people’s toes (because that’s what we need from time to time if not momentarily), he’s going to do it. We don’t have to water it down to attract large crowds.

Jesus didn’t do that. He spoke in parables so those who weren’t really listening wouldn’t understand. He wasn’t interested in big numbers or in praise for himself. He was interested in crazy love, in those who genuinely wanted to know God.

I think it’s time. It’s time for Christians of all nations to let their light shine before all men-to do things because we’re genuinely in love with God. It’s time to stop doing good things to gain good pr for us, to gain the respect and admiration of our neighbors or to 'earn our way to heaven' (which won't happen). It’s time to hang up our pride & give God the glory he deserves.

…just a thought.

“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” –Matthew 5:14-16

love.

the crazy kind. :)

crazy love & holding nothing back.

2008-10-10T13:43:00.003-05:00

I just finished reading 'Crazy Love' this morning. I'm excited that I finished it, but also sad at the same time. It always gave me the little kick I needed when I opened it and read a few pages or even just a paragraph.

If you've talked to me in the past 2-3 weeks, I've probably mentioned this book. Whether you said something that sparked what I had read or maybe I was digging through my purse and pulled it out while looking for someone else & shamelessly plugged it :)...I probably mentioned it because it's a really good book.

It's only a really good book because it's written about a really good love. A love that's ridiculous, that makes no sense to anyone. It's about the love of a perfect God who calls sinners his children; a love that is mocked and scoffed; a love that should awaken a sleeping church.

I underlined something on almost every page of this book. So, choosing what to share with you isn't easy. I'd love to type up every part of the book that I love & show it to you, but I'm not stupid...I know most people who read my blog wouldn't read it all. After all, it would basically be an entire book. :)

I'll leave you with a really good thought I read this morning:

"I wrote this book because much of our talk doesn't match our lives. We say things like, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," and "Trust in the Lord with all your heart." Then we live and plan like we don't believe God even exists. We try to set our lives up so everything will be fine even if God doesn't come through. But true faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God's fidelity to his promises." -Francis Chan, Crazy Love.

In case you didn't catch my drift, you should read this book. Seriously. You can borrow my sloppily underlined copy if you don't want to spend fifteen dollars on a book. I understand. :)

Love.

Glory to God.

2008-10-08T10:35:00.003-05:00

I happened to be home when my old youth group was hosting Steve Fee, so my youth pastor/formerboss/oneofmyfavoritepeopleontheplanet asked if I wanted to go because he had an extra ticket. I didn't know if he & his famiy were going, but I agreed to go. I obviously didn't want to go by myself because I'm not that okay with myself yet...but he and his wife and Ashlee and Charlotte (their 2yo & 1yo) ended up going. Ashlee's favorite song is "Happy Day" and she sings it nonstop, so we thought it would be cool for her to hear her favorite song live. Needless to say, she loved it and danced and sang throughout the song. It was fun to see such a childlike love.

All of this to say...

The band played a song they wrote at BigStuf this summer. It began as a simple chorus and they added a bit, but it's still a simple song. While he was talking about the song, he said something that struck me...something I've been dealing with lately. He said,

Glory to God. It's a simple idea, but it's profound when we truly live it out.

Glory to God.

In my schoolwork, glory to God.

In my relationship with my husband/wife, glory to God.

In my relationship with my boyfriend/girlfriend, glory to God.

In the way I spend my money, glory to God.

In the way I spend my time, glory to God.

I don't always glorify God by the way I do those things.

In the way I speak to others, no glory to God.

In the way I gossip, no glory to God.

In the way I pass homeless people I don't feel like it, no glory to God.

In the way I spend my time, no glory to God.

In the way I go to sleep without doing a devotion, no glory to God.

In the way I think of things I need to do during worship, no glory to God.

In the way I slack off on schoolwork, no glory to God.

In the way I say things and don't follow through, no glory to God.

Come to think of it, God isn't getting a lot of glory through my life. Maybe he's getting a little lip service here and there, but I can do more.

I want to be able to say:

In the way I live my life, glory to God.

In the way I speak kind words, glory to God.

In the way I pray for my neighbors, glory to God.

In the way I pray for my enemies, glory to God.

In the way I set aside apathy & act, glory to God.

In the way I serve others, glory to God.

In the way I put myself last, glory to God.

In the way I trust, glory to God.

In the way I give without expecting anything in return, glory to God.

In the way I am in love with Jesus, glory to God.

In the way I spend my time, glory to God.

I’ll never be able to say these things if I sit here and wait on the world to change itself. I have to move. I have to take a leap of faith. I have to get off of my bum and do something…even if it’s tiny, at least it’s a step in the right direction.

So, I’ll start by praying for you, my blog readers. :)

God-use something small to regain their focus. Help him/her take a step in the right direction, wherever that may be. Give him/her the strength to love you more. Let him/her look differently than the world, so when those who do not know you see their lives, they are baffled and want to know more about You, Jesus. Let their lives be characterized by crazy love for You.

ugly blog? yes, please.

2008-10-04T23:57:00.003-05:00

my blog is jacked.

i haven't looked at it in quite some time,

but i just did

and it's hideous.

i apologize to everyone that's been looking at it in its current state.

blogger decided to change itself, so when I copy/paste my text from my word document,

everything goes awry.

i don't know the solution to this problem.

it double spaces everything, but I've learned to fix that problem for the most part.

sometimes I make a google document so it won't double space everything,

but now I see that doing that doesn't work either, because it makes the background white and a very large white space at the end of each post.

I don't know how to fix it.

So, maybe I'll go to bed.

buenas noches. goeienag. goeienacht. oyasumi. dobranoc. habeen wanaagsan. lalani kahle. good night.

the more i seek You, the more i find You.

2008-10-04T23:42:00.002-05:00

Every once in a while, someone comes along and you realize there’s something special about him or her. Sometimes you realize it’s that they’re as beautiful inside as they are out.

I’m discovering that more and more lately. Three weeks ago, I started doing a Bible study. It wasn’t my idea, but it was something I’ve been interested in doing for quite some time. The first week, there were four of us. It was an amazing time of ‘vision casting’ if you will. We talked about being ‘that girl’-the one who is so in love with Jesus that you can tell just by the way she carries herself; the girl that’s so open and honest about her life and more compassionate than I could ever imagine being.

We all wanted to be that girl, but recognized that none of us were near being the girl we wanted to be. It would all have to begin with staying in the Word. We promised to hold each other accountable.

Every time we meet, the numbers fluctuate, but the core group has pretty much been there in its entirety. It’s so great to meet with people and discuss life, but have God as the focus. So many of my relationships are surface level & it’s nice to dig deeper.

Each time we meet, I see more and more attributes of ‘that girl’ in our lives. It’s amazing how God speaks when we seek him.

The more I seek You 
The more I find You
The more I find You 
The more I love You

I wanna sit at your feet, 
drink from the cup in Your hand 
Lay back against You and breathe,
feel your heartbeat

This love is so deep, 
its more that I can stand 
I melt in Your peace, 
its overwhelming
(-christ for the nations)

Grace, Janet and Cheryl- you ladies are beautiful and I am so thankful for you. I feel privileged to know you and to spend time becoming the woman that God wants me to be alongside of you three. I look forward to getting kicked out of a coffee shop again with you girls. :) oops. Love you!

praying about romance & being romanced.

2008-09-26T01:02:00.001-05:00

FOREWARNING: This post is written by a girl, most likely for a girl & may sound super cheesy if you don’t know where I’m coming from. I apologize & would recommend that you check later for a more gender-neutral post if you think this one is a little too cheeseball-ish for you. :)

A little background for you: One of my best friends & I were talking about her future decisions & how she’s been praying and fasting about her boyfriend and where God wants their relationship in the future. [ps. this isn’t directed toward you at all, M!]

I thought about how often we pray to God about relationships. We ask him to make his face known, to be with this relationship or with that one. We ask him to guide our footsteps, but we forget an integral part of relationships and romance.

We forget to allow ourselves to be romanced by God.

He created us, knows every part of us and his deepest desire is to spend time with us.

I’m reading a book called ‘Crazy Love’ by Francis Chan & it’s rather amazing. I shared this quote last night at a Bible study.

“When you are truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You’ll drive for hours to be together, even if it’s only for a short while. You don’t mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic, not annoying. You’ll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you’re crazy about. When you are apart from each other, it’s painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about; you jump at any chance to be together.”

I forget that God is my ultimate lover. I forget that he should be all that matters to me. I forget that when I fill myself with him, everything else will work according to his plan.

I say I love God, but I don’t go great lengths to be with the One I love. I wait to do a devotion or to read the Bible because I’m simply too tired. I don’t spend a fortune to give to what he would want me to give. I don’t jump at any chance to be with Him. If I did, I wouldn’t have so much junk in my life.

I wouldn’t be on facebook, photo-stalking as Grace called it.

I wouldn’t be watching television just to veg out.

I wouldn’t wish I was ‘that girl’ who always loves people.

I would be her.

No matter how much I try, nothing will ever replace the relationship I have with God. One day, I pray I will have a relationship that mirrors that of Christ, & mine but it will never, ever replace it.

One thing that is true of my relationship with God is that ‘when we’re apart from each other, it’s painful, even miserable.’ I don’t always realize this immediately, but I always see it in retrospect. It never fails. When I look back on what I’ve done, I realize that I was/am miserable when I try to live apart from Christ.

I challenge you to be romanced by God instead of only asking him to help out in your love life, or lack thereof.

The Lord is my strength and shield. 

I trust him with all my heart. 

He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. 

I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

-ps. 28:7

god speaks. trust-meter.

2008-09-22T11:23:00.006-05:00

As I was scrolling through google reader to check on the millions of blog posts that I haven't read, I clicked on Without Wax. He's the pastor of my roommate's church & I've visited a time or two & love, love, love CrossPoint.

While thinking about what I wrote about yesterday, please see what I saw when I ventured to his blog.

So I guess God is into speaking through blogs.

How hip.

oh alfred, what good advice you have.

2008-09-21T01:37:00.000-05:00

Over the past month, I’ve come to the realization that I fear rejection like none other. It’s ridiculous because I don’t want to, but there’s an intrinsic part of me that would rather sit on a log and do nothing than risk being rejected.

It’s rooted deep within me like a tree into the earth. It was birthed when I was old enough to realize my dad rejected me. It harbored and continued to grow over the years and now it’s manifested through fear.

Fear to risk being hurt. Fear to love. Fear of abandonment. When it comes down to it, it’s a fear of rejection.

I don’t love the fact that I’m fearful. I would rather be brave & courageous. I’m not a fearful person in many ways…I mean, I would go skydiving right now if I could. I would do a lot of ‘scary’ things because I’m a bit of a thrill seeker, but when it comes to the heart, I’m not brave.

I’m timid.

I’m fearful.

I’m not exactly sure how you go about not being fearful of rejection. I guess I should pray…that’s the only answer that always works for me.

I better get on that because after all…

“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” –Alfred Lord Tennyson

who you want to be.

2008-09-20T17:36:00.001-05:00

I think I’m walking through a valley. Some days I just don’t even know what I’m doing here. It seems like nothing I do makes a dent in anything. Everyone is going about their lives with the ‘mask of normalcy’ but we’re all screaming out from the inside that we’re not normal. Our lives are screwed up.

We long for something more. There’s a hole that we’re trying to fill with anything and everything, but it’s a God shaped hole. I’ve been through this and recognized the fact, yet I tend to veer back toward filling that God shaped hole with anything I can get my hands on, except for Jesus.

I often look at people and see that they have it all together and wish I were ‘that girl’. The girl who always encourages other, who prays for people when she says she will, who reaches out to the lonely kid that sits alone in the caf, who tells about her life openly and gives praise to the One who has changed her life.

I think all of us have the desire to be that girl or that guy. But when we’re neck deep in our lives, we think it’s impossible. We’ll never be the one who has it all together. We can put on the mask of normalcy and act like we do, but we will only be fooling ourselves.

I got together with a few lovely ladies-Cheryl, Janet & Grace (who I always want to call Gracie…not sure why…maybe it’s because it rhymes with my name.)- and we talked about this same thing.

We talked about how we can be that girl, but we first have to devote ourselves to studying God’s word and become spiritual sisters who take off the masks are who are real with one another.

We’re doing that through a weekly Bible study where we dive into God’s word and also by serving the community. I think we’re all really excited about what God will do through this time.

Funny thing…as I’m typing this-a song called ‘Unfold’ by Marie Digby started playing. Here’s the chorus, which fits in perfectly.

“But, I don't wanna go on living 

Being so afraid of showing 

Someone else my imperfections 

And even though my feet are trembling 

Every word I say comes stumbling 

I will bare it all 

Watch me unfold 

Unfold, unfold”

Be the girl or guy you want to be.

Don’t let anything hold you back.

living in light of eternity.

2008-09-14T14:15:00.003-05:00

This morning may have been one of my favorite church services to date. It was the last in a series titled "Live Like You Were Dying". This particular message was about embracing eternity.

The question we're faced with when dying is "then what?"

What happens when we've worked our entire lives to become rich and successful, but the doctors say we have two weeks to live?

What happens when everything around us is going as we've planned, but we're killed instantaneously in a car accident?

For those that follow Christ, his death should answer the 'then what' question.

Then we're able to go meet Jesus.

I often get caught up in the here & now, but if I don't live in light of eternity, I'm wasting my time.

They showed an interview with a man who was 45, had cancer and had been told the doctors could do no more. He was dying and he knew it.

What was different about him was that he didn't stop living when he found out he was dying. He embraced it and was excited, but knew God's purpose with his life was not complete until he was no longer here.

He ended the interview with this:

"When you die & meet Jesus, what is he going to say? What are you going to say?"

At the end of the service, we celebrated with those who decided to give their lives to Christ. It was so amazing. About 20 people went to the front of the room and the congregation cheered. I could only imagine the celebrations going on in heaven at the same time.

What would you do differently if you lived like you were dying?

"I will carry you."

2008-09-10T09:04:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I need a little pick me up. Today I was in need of one. I'm running through the twenty things I need to do today and I stopped to have a little Jesus moment & this is what I got.

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

-Isaiah 46:4

God will carry me through.

Thank you, Jesus.

love.

homeless hope.

2008-09-02T22:57:00.001-05:00

I ate lunch with John on Sunday. It was nothing short of amazing. I absolutely love hearing people’s stories, no matter what they’re like or where they come from. I just like it and that’s that.

Meet John.

He’s 48 years old and stands at the Wedgewood exit of I-65. He’s a man of small stature and has been wearing a black Trace Adkins t-shirt since I got back to school nine days ago.

He was reluctant to get into the car. We were on Wedgewood and stopped in the far right lane where we saw John talking to his friend Moe. We waited a minute for him to finish his conversation, but he seemed hesitant to get into the car.

I think he thought we were dropping food off for him. I rolled down the window and told him to hop in. He opened the door slowly and hesitantly sat onto the seat.

The first words out of his mouth were, “I haven’t showered in quite a few days” to warn us that he may not smell the best. We told him it was okay and then tried to start conversation.

I’m not the best at coming up with things to say in situations that aren’t familiar to me. I tried my best to get to know John on a deeper level while sharing things about myself and bringing out our similarities.

After all, we’re not much different.

He grew up in a small town in Tennessee on a farm. His parents owned a bar when he was a child and that’s where he said he really grew up.

He started drinking at age 9. He became an alcoholic, but realized there was more to life.

He is a Christian. I asked what made him want to become a Christian since he wasn’t raised in a Christian home. He said his earliest memories of God were from his older sister (he has six!) reading the Bible to him. He said God is the only reason he keeps going most days.

He was in the infantry division of the Army and was highly ranked. He was discharged for medical reasons. The Veterans Affairs office had it listed incorrectly, though, which is the reason he doesn’t receive compensation for being a veteran. They had it listed as being a lower rank & for being honorably discharged, not for medical reasons.

After being in the infantry for five years, he became a truck driver. He’s traveled throughout the United States and into Canada. He also lived outside of Chicago, but only went into the city a few times.

He was married and has a 21-year-old daughter. They divorced and his wife got everything and left him with nothing. His wife doesn’t allow him to see his daughter.

His family relations have been rocky and are now nonexistent. His sisters got married young to men they met at the bar they ‘grew up in’. The men were violent alcoholics and his sisters would run to their only brother complaining about being beaten/hurt.

John and his friends “took care of the men”, which left his sisters angry with him because they were now single. Thus, family ties were broken.

I’m not sure how long he’s been homeless, but it’s been a while.

Soon after he got into the car, I asked him to describe a typical day in his life-to put me in his shoes.

He didn’t. He said I didn’t want to be in his shoes.

But I (figuratively) do want to be in his shoes so I can know what he goes through every single day.

What he did say was that the only reason he was getting through was because of God. When things get rough and when he is ready to give up, God sends someone to encourage and to support him.

He’s been arrested 152 times in the last year for panhandling. The judge always drops it because he’s being arrested something that’s not a crime.

He’s simply trying live, to get by.

As we were taking him back, he told us that disability was supposed to be paid to him since 1989. He has plans for when he gets the money.

He told us he would take us out to dinner and he was buying himself a house and starting another business.

I don’t know if that money will ever come to him, but I sure hope it does. It amazes me that he sees light at the end of his tunnel. I cannot imagine living life the way he does. He’s been arrested for sleeping under the bridge, for stepping onto the exit ramp, and for so many other pointless things, yet he still has hope for a better life.

Now that’s evidence of the God I serve and love.

tuesday.

2008-09-01T23:43:00.004-05:00

tomorrow marks my first tuesday of this school year.

i'm dreading it a little bit.

i have classes/meetings from 8am to 9:30 pm.

yeah, I'm not sure what I was thinking.

At the ten o'clock spot is tennis. That means I'll be disgusting from 10 until 9:30 at night.

but hey! i don't have classes on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday.

and two of my classes are 8 week classes...

so the second 8 weeks is going to be a breeze.

hooray.

and pray for my sanity.

love.